In February I wrote how it is difficult to let go off things I used to find extremely important but don’t quite anymore. It’s funny how that was difficult for me just a few months ago; nowadays I couldn’t care less of my old plans and my old identity based on what I did and what I planned to do. It’s funny to think that I really wanted to be a doctor as I now can’t come up with anything I’d be less interested in being. I’m still interested in improving others’ health, but I don’t think being a doctor would be the best way for me to do that. Modern Western medicine still interests me, but it doesn’t fascinate me anymore. It often doesn’t tell how to get healthy – most of the time it only treats the disease and its symptoms but doesn’t heal them. It’s a study of sickness, not health. I don’t want to be part of it.
I’ve also learned to live with uncertainty, even embrace it. Being uncertain even helps me to stay focused on the present moment instead of dwelling in the future, thus actually allowing me to enjoy the present moment much more. I don’t mind not having a long-term plan for my life anymore. I’m okay with the fact that right now I feel like I want to take a year (or more) off just to travel and meet new people; I don’t need to know yet what comes after that. I’ve changed so much that it’s probably wise to take some time to figure out the next direction and that is fine – I’m not in a hurry. I just can’t take life that seriously anymore :)
It’s weird to think that it wasn’t so long ago I was a Hermione-like studying-and-career-and-everything-that-looks-good-on-paper-is-a-priority kind of a perfectionist who couldn’t cope without solid, well thought out long-term plans. I guess the reasons why I don’t feel the need to be like that anymore are
1.) I’ve realised better than before that nobody has promised I’ll be alive tomorrow. It’s not that you shouldn’t have any long-term plans – I do have them too, just not plans of the same kind as I used to – but at the same time I feel that if there’s something I honestly want to do, the right time to do it is as soon as possible, preferably NOW. The timing will never be perfect, and if I postpone something I truly want to do (like travelling) because I want to graduate etc. first (not to mention retire…), I might be dead before I get to do it.
2.) I identify less with my plans, interests, and my mind in general. I don’t need “outer” things to tell me who I am, to give me an identity. This is a huge change and also a great one – it makes life so much easier and much less painful. I don’t identify with my beliefs and opinions so much anymore either, which is extremely relieving as I don’t most of the time feel any need to be “right” or defend my views. It’s so liberating… even when I’m quite sure I’m right, it’s just not important to defend my views anymore. Truth is truth, and it doesn’t need defending. It was my identity based on what I believed that needed it.
This is off-topic (although on the other hand is there anything that’d be off-topic when it comes to figuring out what I want and then getting it?), but not identifying with the things I mentioned has also helped me in getting to better health. I don’t hold on to this sad story of having an incurable health problem anymore. Most of the time, I’ve no complaints about anything, even when I truly feel really sick. I just accept it as if I had chosen it. I don’t identify with being sick at all anymore and health issues are simply something I have now, not something I am. Yes, I do have a primary immunodeficiency, but I’m not an immunodeficiency patient anymore.
Now, while I do believe that our thoughts affect our health to a certain degree, this isn’t about law of attraction or anything like that – it’s about the fact that our thoughts affect our actions. It’s been interesting to realise that what we strongly identify with, we don’t truly want to get rid of because it’d mean the loss of who we are, the loss of identity. It’d mean we would, in a way, die. If someone’s identity is strongly based on sickness, “I’m a sufferer of X”, is it likely that he/she will get healthy? I personally think that it is not, even though that person would consciously think they’re trying their everything to get better. Of course it has a lot to do with beliefs as well; a person who does not believe he/she can get healthy acts differently than a person who is absolutely sure he/she can figure out a cure. So far, I haven’t yet seen even one person who didn’t believe they can cure themselves to get rid of their chronic illnesses. It’s the people who believe they’ve the power to cure themselves and who take the responsibility for their health that manage to do it.
I’ve never identified with my health issues strongly, however I’ve now found out that I did let them be a part of who I was and I’m glad I don’t do that anymore. I’ve found that most of the psychological pain that came from being sick didn’t come from the situation itself but my story about it and my identification with my past. Now that I don’t hold on to it anymore, I find that even when things are going badly, I experience no psychological pain. I also take slightly different actions which I believe will be the reason why I’m going to cure myself from something that should be impossible to cure.
I guess I’ve stopped resisting change and holding on to the person I used to be, leaving room for the person I’m now and wish to become.
What a weird post. It’s like I’ve thrown up all thoughts that came to my mind into this entry :D