Something in me is dying or is already for the most part dead; not in the sense of losing something important but in the sense of letting go of something that has been holding me back all along. Suddenly there is a profound sense of inner peace and joy, after going through some of the darkest days I’ve ever experienced filled with heavy feelings of being lost and broken – having a broken body, mind, and spirit. I took a break from everything to be fully present with those feelings, both physical and mental and something beyond the mind, and it is quite amazing how quickly you can go through different levels of pain if you welcome the experience, are willing to be with it without labelling it or calling it anything, and offer no inner resistance. A process I feel like could have potentially taken months or even years had I resisted it is almost over now.
Now on the other side I feel anew and renewed. The story of my life or my life history (which is quite full of death, illness, suffering of all kinds) feels “dead” and distant, as if it was something that happened centuries or several lifetimes ago. I feel somewhat detached from my “problems”; what mattered a lot and dragged me down just a short while ago is mostly solved now because I can see that what seemed like a problem wasn’t a problem to begin with, as something called “real problems” doesn’t really even exist.
My mind has fallen still and silent and has stopped trying to make sense out of what is happening. What is obvious is that I’m definitely going through a major inner transformation. Where it will eventually lead, I don’t know, and I don’t even need to know, because I’m trusting the journey.
I’m looking at my list of goals and want to start it from scratch – mark some of the goals as done, “give up” the others to include them to my “I still want to do these goals, just can’t prioritise them right at this moment” list. I’m not sure how actively I’ll be posting right now, I’m kind of still taking a break – I’ve still things to do and ways to go… but I’ll at least start re-creating my goal list and try to catch up on cheers :) (Which could take a while… but I’ll get there!)
I love you all. ♥
I’ve contemplated for quite a while now whether or not to add a goal like this; it’s the kind of a thing I feel can’t really be taken as a goal in the same way as many other things can. It’s a mind-made illusion that letting go of ego is something that will happen in the future; that dropping it is some kind of an achievement towards which I have to go gradually. Makes perfect sense; what a better way for the ego to protect itself than to add time to the goal, make it seem like dropping the identification with the mind can never happen now, but only later. That naturally ensures it never happens. Seeing and experiencing who I really am can only happen now in the present moment, and taking it as a goal is somewhat problematic.
I realise these things go into the area that is just plain weird, maybe even crazy, for most people (or that they should at least be left for the Indian yogis and spiritual teachers). But growth and taking life as a learning experience are things that feel important to me at this stage of my life, so hopefully it is fine to talk about the strange ego stuff here, as well. :)
The reason why I didn’t want to add a goal like this before is that ironically, perhaps this kind of a goal could even become part of the ego, something to add to it. Switching from identifying with the kind of forms people usually identify with to identifying with more spiritual and growth related things wouldn’t really change anything (even though there of course could be an illusion of change), and perhaps in some amusing way an ego could add being egoless to itself, without anything actually changing. I’ve met a few people who felt they were enlightened – but what I personally felt is that they had simply changed the form they identified with, now having added being enlightened (and superior to most other people) to their egos. The people I’ve met that I felt had truly got somewhere I’ve never been to, found, or rather recognised, something that had been there all along inside of themselves, had a whole different feel to them. I just don’t want to create a more developed ego, in a way, a new ego that might sound and look better than the old one, but is an ego nevertheless, just in different clothing. But in the end I thought why not add this goal anyway.
This goal is actually more than just about the ego for me and could have a different name, perhaps “Let go of the identification with form”, or the identification with my mind, but it’s good enough for now.
I know Eckhart Tolle would probably smile at this goal in the way you smile at little children when they’re being cute and silly. :-) ...but he would understand.