figure out what i want to do with my life

I’m currently in two minds about a job I started last week. I feel that it is not good for me, not good for my heart, my soul. I am over-qualified, and yet the boss works to point out all my inadequecies, and then used them to make my pay offer lower than I expected, because, as he put it ‘I’m not polished yet’. Fuck you man. I have so many skills that you can’t even imagine, but you don’t want to see that.

I’ve noticed that since I started this job I don’t want to get up in the morning. Which is a sure sign with me that something is not right in my life. And I mean every day. Even on my days off, I still have that job hanging over my head.

However, I have been looking for a job for 3 months. And it was always going to be a retail job (I’m changing career directions, and don’t want a job that requires too much of my commitment, because I’m doing things in my own time.) I knew it would be like this. But now I’m doing it, I’m wondering if it’s worth it. Yes, having this job now enables me to move into the city. But is it worth this sinking feeling that’s plaguing my life right now? I don’t feel the joy of life anymore. I’m struggling to hold on to it, but I’m finding that going on my runs is a major motivational challenge, I’m playing my guitar less, and I’m eating worse.

Maybe it’s worth staying unemployed for a while, just to really target myself at the things I love? Or am I being a total immature wimp, who just needs to grit my teeth and stick it out?

All my life I have watched amazing people, people who achieve things, people who live life with vigour, energy, and bravery, people to whom things seem to come so easily. I felt awe, and yes, jealousy.

Why were these people so amazing? How do they do it? What gives them the energy and motivation? Why couldn’t I have been born with this innate brilliance?

Well, I was.

We all were.

It’s taken me 25 years to realise this, but I’m ridiculously grateful for that, because when I look around, I see a majority of people around me haven’t. People who will die without ever coming to terms with the fact that we are solely responsible for the overall success and happiness of our lives.

With that knowledge comes incredible power. Somewhere during the last few months, during which my main goal was to simply make myself feel as happy and positive as possible during every waking moment, I discovered that. I started doing small things, for me. And it wasn’t always easy. As much as the people around you consciously want you to be happy, in reality, if the emotional energy level you are operating on is significantly higher than theirs, it invariably causes problems. I had to learn to let go of the guilt at even contemplating being happy around my mother, who seems to be constantly depressed and defeatist about numerous areas in her life. I had to learn to quietly go about my happiness without rubbing it in people’s faces, because as stupid as it sounds, many people just can’t handle that you’re no longer living the victim mentality. It makes them defensive about their own approach to life.

OK, I’m rambling. But I just feel so amazed at how far I’ve come in just a few months, a few months that at first seemed as thought they would break me. I want to be one of those amazing people. I want to look at myself in the mirror and say “Wow. You’re amazing. Your life is amazing, and you did that.” And already I’m feeling that it’s true. I’m doing everything I want to do, or taking steps to make it possible in the future. And I make no apologies for being happy. We all deserve it. 100%

How do I become that vital master of my own life? Do it. Set my sights high, and do it.

Hell yes.

(Sorry for the extended ramble, just had to get that off my chest)

i found a website- www.stevepavlina.com/blog (sorry, can’t be bothered making this a link. Cut and paste, people). Has a number of really useful articles, one of which suggests a method of figuring out your life’s purpose within 20 minutes. This is what I came up with>>

To live with passion, energy, hope, joy, excitement, love, courage, pride, openness. To express all that I experience in this existence in whatever format is most thrilling, challenging, inspiring at any given moment. To continually grow. To nourish myself until I overflow and become a vessel of the very thrill, joy, inspiration and openness that I am searching for.

I’m not sure though if this means goal qualified. I think for me this goal was really quite career orientated. But at least I have something to test my ideas against. I just have to ask myself if a particular path/idea with support or go against this goal.

Ah, I just cam back to 43 things after a few years away. In the hugest sense, really. I’ve just spent a year and a half overseas, travelling and working, gone through the most amazing time of my life really. And it’s time to go through all of my goals and see a)if I’ve achieved them, or b) if they’re still relevant.

So figuring out what to do with my life… I’m definitely closer. I worked out that music is the driving force, and having found that, I’m now trying to work out ways to make a shift into the music industry. Have work experience lined up at a record label, and have bought myself a guitar. For the first time in my life I can actually say I have something I LOVE, rather than ‘more or less like’, or ‘don’t really mind’. I wake up in the morning, and the first things I think of is my guitar, and I play it even before I’m out of my PJ’s.

Ah, Such a weight lifted off, really.

So what I whole heartedly advise for other people in this predicament is definitely do something out of your comfort zone. Get out of your life. Some people may view it as running away, but for me it was a chance to start fresh, without expectations and judgements.

But can this goal ever really be ticked off? I don’t think I’m ready. Will see how this new path progresses…

maybe i don’t want to figure it out. i think i may be trying to hide from the reality that what ever job you chose, a large part of it is bound to suck. when i was young i was under the impression that if you studied hard and didn’t give up on your goals your life would be a wonderful dream. so not true, because you usually over glorify your goal while you’re struggling to reach it, so when you do reach it, the reality is sadly lacking and most of the time not worth the struggle. do i sound bitter?yep
i just dont know what to do. i’ve lost that little spark of hope that it will all be ok in the end, and i can physically feel that hopeless everytime i get an idea with potential.

What do you do when what you thought you wanted to do with your life (and spent a fair few years working towards it), turns out to be wrong? All my life my number one goal was to have a successful career and prove myself. About 8 months ago i realised i don’t really care if others think i’ve done a good job with my life, i just want to be happy. But how to figure out what makes me happy? And, damn it, how do i start all over again in a completely different direction. I know i’m still young, but time is ticking by, and i just cant take a step. eee