end the drama

god life just seems so damn tough,dad just got a promotion,it will come through next year tht means i will have to move out of my house,the house iv been living in for 12 years,
i cannot do this.i just cannot let go,been crying for weeks now every other night.
whenever i picture it,driving away from this place,leaving,i just breakdown.
how do i get around this?this little apartment of ours that i call my home will be gone.
we ve laughed,fought,cried,done everything in this house and it’ll all be gone,just like that.
havent slept in a month now,been eating a lot,stopped hanging out with friends,dont bother to even take their calls,nothing matters anymore.
nothing.

so this is what life has come to,
i was told yesterday by my parents that i have to get married in 5 years and my older sister has to be married in 2 years.well they don’t realise that this will never happen because i don’t think one can make a five year plan on marriage.the sooner they accept that,the better.
But my father was very highly serious,he said tht my sister and i are a “responsibility” and that he is tired of taking care of us.he wants to live his own life and it is his duty to get his daughters get married.
but when did we become a responsibility??i thought we were his daughters.

we were always brought up thinking we were progressive,independent women,i always thought my parents were progressive,but maybe i was wrong.
so i thought i wouldnt have to deal with this,this happens in weird small towns,to children with uneducated parents.
how wrong was i?

yesterday sitting at the dinner table i realised i will have to fight the age old fight,a fight every Indian girl has gone through.
i never realised i was a burden to my father,
girls are a burden,that age old indian proverb could never apply to me i thought.
but how wrong i was.

why do i need a man?to live a happy beautiful life?why do my parents who have the most horrible marriage in the history of marriage think that i will happily say that i will get married.maybe i dont want to,not now,not in 5 years.or maybe i will,that will be my choice.

my father says that a woman needs a man,one cannot be a spinster,her life will be very very difficult,he will never accept us if we choose not to get married.
women need men,thts a fact of life he said.without a man,life becomes very hard.and all women above the age of 30 who aren’t married become old and desperate to get married,and tht can never happen to us,
we have to get married,to whomever we want but we have to.

now
my problem with this is that i have no choice here do i?
why can’t i be unmarried and unhappy rather than married and miserable…
i thought i had this choice but apparently i don’t.and my sister doesn’t either.
i thought i would never have to go through this

but what my father doesn’t realise is that he brought us up to be strong independent women.so this kind of talk cannot work with me.i will not bow to his wishes like some silly, emotionally dependent doe eyed, my daddy is always right kinda girl.i will get married at 40 if i choose to.i won’t get married if i don’t want to.but i just realised tht i have a long fight ahead of me,a fight tht just sprung up on me,a battle that i thought was won years ago.
but how wrong i was.

why does life have to be so complicated?there is always something happening with me or my parents.infidelity,cancer,abuse,rape.tired of all this nonsense.why cannot i focus on whts important?me,my life,where i am going,wht i am doing.this is whts important at this point.not my parents and their crazy,tempestuous relationship.i have decided,i will not get involved anymore,to keep my own sanity.not be affected by their constant drama,fighting and yelling.this is who they are.they have made a decison to be with each other even if they make each other miserable.i have to accept this.they will never leave each other.so i have to disconnect from all their nonsense.
live my life.without the drama.