have more energy

My actions speak for themselves in having more energy. I’m looking forward to making positive changes in my life. Others around me have expressed incredible support and recognition of how far I have come.

This morning my therapist said, shaking her head “You are… irrevocably changed.”

It was a beautiful moment.

I had planned the super week of BUSY to look as follows:

• Lunch—work in office, skip lunch
• 5.30pm—walk to campus
• 6pm—writing
• 9pm—email professor, email friends coming to visit

• Lunch—buy new khaki pants
• Lunch—buy new mascara
• Lunch—buy birthday card for sister
• 6pm—meet classmate for 2 hour writing block
• 8pm—rush to Container Store and order new bookshelves to be delivered
• 9pm—make cincinnati chili for dinner
• 10pm—come home and cheerbomb Anne

• Lunch—see therapist
• Lunch—run to bank
• Lunch—mail sister’s birthday card
• Lunch—stop by farmer’s market for yogurt and candy
• 5pm—leave work early to get home in time for bookshelves
• Evening—put together bookshelves, clean house, have sister’s present shipped

• Lunch—kmart for new shower hooks and brita filter
• 6pm—school student reading
• 8pm—class

• Lunch—whole foods for produce-groceries
• 5pm—friends come into town
• 9pm—houseparty in Harlem, simultaneously friend’s band playing in times square, also wanting to hang out with visitors (Yep. 3 places at the same time.)
• All Day—sister’s birthday. Do something nice.

• 9am—therapy
• 11am—cook breakfast for company
• afternoon—entertaining/touring
• evening—recording music, planning business takeover for May
• night—party of some sort

• Time TBD—friends leave
• HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
• Sleep. As soon and and copiously as possible.

I have decided to take down some of the things I chose to say the other day. I realize that they were not a fair reflection of how I felt about what happened, but instead the rantings of fear and anger. Fear, because as much as I try to act all tough, this really isn’t a normal occurance in my neighborhood, and I’m a little freaked out. And anger at the injustice of it all, how very wrong it all is, and the fact that I feel very powerless to prevent it.

Posting about my petty inconveniences was really just my shocked response of railing against the evil in the world, but looking back on it, I know that what happened Wednesday wasn’t about me at all, but instead about those who were actually affected by this sort of horrible tragedy, and that to leave this post up the way it was written was not at all appropriate for the situation.

Friday afternoon I got out of work today. So I walked 2.5 miles around the city, running errands/taking picutres/meeting up with a friend.

Today I was wondering why my my legs felt so tired. 2.5 miles isn’t that far, but I guess I was really trucking it!

This evening I got off work an hour early. That fact, plus the time change, meant I had a chance to come home, change quickly, and go for a twenty minute run before the park got dark and sketchy.

Hooray for running!

It really is one of my favorite forms of exercise, and always makes me feel so much better. I just have problems getting off the couch to do it, and feel like if I enjoy it, than I really should be doing something else, like cleaning my house or balancing the checkbook (got to love that lovely American Puritanical mindset. Stop having fun!)

I know exercise gives back more energy than it takes, and now that I have enough for the initial expenditure, I have to make a point of incorporating more of it into my daily routine. It was nice that today the weather and my work schedule and my energy all came together to make that a reality.

Definitely several quick steps in the right direction!

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=21958544

That’s the sort of thing I’d like to do if I had the energy for it.

Maybe it’s for the best, then, that I’m such a lump.

Took the day off work to get poked by the Dr. and prodded by the Shrink and I am tired. I have a bruise in my elbow and a prescription for generic prozac (I didn’t even know that existed—learn something new every day).

I feel like if I’m going to be “sick” that should be less stuff to do, not more. But I’m entirely overwhelmed at the moment with doctors appointments in addition to trying to keep up with everything else. Can I just take some time off from life? Please?

I promise, I’ll come back when I feel better.

I’ve been Dysthymic since I was a small child, and my family has a history of SAD, and right now I’m really struggling with both. I cannot get out of bed, and it’s not just the cold I’ve just gotten over.

My therapist is sending me to the doctor next week to get my iron/thyroid/etc’s checked to make sure it’s not physical. And then we’ll get to have the Drug Talk. ‘Cause therapy’s just not keeping up, and a light-box isn’t going to do me a lick of good if I can’t get my rear out of bed to use it.

Right now even the idea of taking positive steps towards not being so tired seems like too much work. And I feel weak and disgusting for whining about all of it; I’ve lived with these things for so long that my attitude in life is generally “well, feeling crappy or not, that’s no excuse to not go and live your life anyway” and this is just crushing all of that.

I’m used to feeling like shit—that it’s completely destroying my life and my ability to function—that’s something new.