be a great mother

I feel so inadaquate some times …. I don’t know what to do but to keep doing anything I can. Its all so exhausting. specially since I have to be mom and dad (and work and have a personal life). I’m finding it harder and harder to fill both roles. since he is getting older and understands a lot more. sometimes when I hug him and say goodnight. my arms get stuck and I cant let go. I wish he understood me when I say “Im trying as hard as I can baby” I hurt because this isn’t how it was suppose to be. I thought I was going to be his mom. but I have to work and go to school and live and be young. fuck. If only I could hate his father. at least Id have something to release the pain. but I cant hate him … it would mean hating part of what my baby is. money is always short. patience is always thin and weary. Im always just a little bit tired. or preoccupied. fuck sake. I just want to be a good mom. I want to be there and I want him to feel loved and safe. Im trying… I really am… I guess I just have to try harder.

Well lifes been getting better I have my confidence back. Johnny is wonderful. I think Im getting there. and Im so glad.

I have lost most motivation not that im not still trying just I dont have the positiveness i use to have

Im still dont think i deserve him. but i will try my damned hardest to make him happy.