Improve my marriage

the man wrote me a long and beautiful letter this morning acknowledging his role in the downfall of our marriage. as i am pregnant with our fourth child i knew we had to find a way to work this out, but i wasn’t that hopeful b/c he hasn’t owned up to his part in the past. today was a huge breakthrough and it gave me hope that we can not only raise our kids together, but do so while happily in love. don’t get me wrong, there’s work to be done, but i finally don’t feel as tho i’m banging my head against a brick wall. the path from now on must be to easier to navigate now that we have both admitted that we are flawed, but ultimately lovable, human beings.

it’s like a roller coaster that won’t end. last night i told him i was lonely and he said he really wanted to be with me. the problem is that i didn’t say it back b/c i just couldn’t bring myself to, it just felt like it would ring hollow. he also didn’t seem to notice, as if my wanting to be with him was a given. i don’t know what i was expecting, but seriously wtf? i feel like a ghost in my own home. he literally doesn’t even hear a lot of what i’m saying. i’m not talking about nagging, like he doesn’t hear/listen when i’m trying to say important things. i feel as tho i’m becoming transparent in this marriage, yet more visible to the rest of the world at the same time. i think i’m losing my mind.

we both tried and it paid off this weekend. so nice and relaxing.

we sat in the kitchen after dinner and just talked while the oldest 2 girls played in the basement and the baby was already asleep. we just talked about his work and how well his business is going. i realized that he is right on the cusp of doing and being what he always wanted. i told him i was very proud of him and truly excited for the future. he said that he thought we could get thru this and when we’re old we’ll be able to say “yeah, there were rough patches but we stuck it out and got thru it.” i imagined us with our children coming home with the grandkids for holidays and i felt this determination that we will get thru this and come out on the other side. he’s from a broken home that was not handled well at all and left him wounded and my father died when i was nine and my step father just didn’t know how to raise children. i have always felt that my job on this earth will be done if i can raise children that have normal, happy childhoods and can go out into this world with as little emotional baggage as possible. my husband agrees so i think it’s gonna be ok. don’t get me wrong, we both know that there’s a lot of work to be done, but i think we just found our foundation.

we need to make an appt with a marriage counselor soon. communication help is needed STAT. this will be my minigoal for the day. i do like that he prefers a female counselor so at least that’s not one more thing to fuss about.

we are looking for a marriage counselor and are considering attending a day workshop on the subject. we still love each other, but our marriage has been one long roller coaster ride due to external and internal influences. now that things are on a pretty even keel we are left with the fact that the foundation of our relationship got lost in the chaotic shuffle. we have 3 kids and must work this out. it’s like we have to start all over again, but in a way that’s kind of liberating. wish us luck.