be myself and like myself

I’ve been reading Rob Cheung’s book on personality which Moose kindly lent me, and it’s been an interesting experience. He has 7 dimensions of personality. Each questionnaire has just 10 questions and some of them seem a little bit random. You get 2 marks for some questions you agree with and 2 for some you disagree with, creating a 20 point scale for each question. 1 point is not an option, so why not 1 mark per question and a 10 point scale? I was slightly frustrated at not being able to give a half-way response to some of them.

Anyway on to the stuff.

Inquisitiveness 4/10

This seems to be about whether you’re the sort of person who likes to get into depth on things or whether you’re a flibbertygibbet who flits about from one thing to another. Quite what liking poetry (2 marks) has to do with any of this is anyone’s guess. However it’s fair to say I do prefer to get on with the practical stuff as opposed to sitting around wasting time talking about airy fairy ideas that will never happen.

Resilience 0/20

This is about how much you worry about things and get anxious. But one of the questions was “Occasionally I have trouble sleeping.” Who the fuck doesn’t occasionally have trouble sleeping? Nevertheless it’s true I’m a worrier and someone who tends to see the downside of everything rather than the upside. Cheung recommends getting outside one’s comfort zone to build confidence. Bring on that public speaking course! _{I am being sarcastic. I like my comfort zone.}

Affiliation 2/20

This dimension is about whether you’re the sort of person who strikes up conversation with strangers, or the sort of person who has a few close friends and needs time to themselves. No prizes for guessing which sort I am. Cheung suggests networking more. No. Don’t want to. I’m not very interested in superficial social transactions and I hate the way that networking seems to be about treating people as a means to an end. Also I object to the use of the word affiliation here – I think “gregariousness” would be a better word.

Conscientiousness 20/20

Well there’s a surprise! Apparently high-conscientiousness individuals rarely make mistakes but can be excessively risk averse. I’ll never forget the time my brother said “Nothing ventured, nothing lost”. He and I are very similar in most respects!

Sensitivity 16/20

This is about whether you don’t mind trampling over other people and being in a situation of conflict, or whether you try to take account of other people’s feelings. However the highly-sensitive person can end up being a doormat. Hmmm.

Knowledge-Questing 16/20

This is about whether you like doing courses and exams. In the past I was a right little exam monkey, but since I qualified as an accountant I decided the time had come to stop jumping through hoops to prove I was as clever as my brother so now I only take courses in non-work areas (writing, wine) and increasingly I find I prefer to read a book about something rather than gain a qualification because otherwise the competitive monster inside me is unleashed and it becomes all about the mark obtained, rather than about the learning for its own sake.

Drive 6/20

This questionnaire measures how ambitious and competitive you are, or whether you prefer the easy life. I was an academic kid and I got a good degree from a prestigious university so if I’d wanted, I probably could have had a city career and I could probably have made it to partner level by now, but that lifestyle and the 60 hour week doesn’t appeal. My work does matter to me and I try to do a good job (I’m 20/20 on conscientiousness after all!) but I don’t regard it as the be all and end all of life.

Overall Cheung thinks that we should aim for the higher end of the spectrum on everything, which I found annoying. He’s a business consultant, and I guess to be successful in business requires you to have some of these skills. But I’m a beancounter and I like sitting with a cup of tea and a spreadsheet, with the odd email interruption from an amusing friend. What’s wrong with that?

But some things did resonate, like the idea of doing new things and getting out of the routine occasionally. Looking back on this year I think I can say I have made progress on doing new things – the piano and the art are both things I wouldn’t have predicted happening 6 months ago, and both create that desirable state of flow, where an hour goes past without you noticing. And I do make myself go outside sometimes ;)

I have to admit the first couple of chapters brought to mind the Upsetting Person at work who is full of bright ideas about how to make things that she doesn’t understand that are working perfectly ok work better and simply loves the opportunity to network. So my resentment at this book is perhaps at its endorsement of the personality of someone I find intensely irritating.

the second part of this goal is so hard sometimes.

in today’s Grauniad about the concept of making a fresh start.

Here’s where it gets weird: “The concept of the fresh start suggests a very bizarre notion of the self. It implies that you can “stand back” from your personality characteristics, nominate some of them for change, then set to work. But, obviously, we are those characteristics; they define us. The self doing the work is the self being acted upon. This needn’t mean change is impossible – clearly, it isn’t – but it makes things vastly more complicated. It means we’re inescapably implicated in what we’re trying to leave behind, and it makes the idea of a fresh start highly suspect.”

I wonder if I should re-open this goal?

is on Saturday, and I won’t bore you with the details of the further bossy emails I’ve received from the person organising it…

Knowing this is coming up has caused me to reflect more than usual on how my life has proceeded in the 20 years since I left the place. I went there at the age of 7 and left at 16 and went to a different school in the sixth form. In the pre-internet age, I managed to lose touch with everyone quite quickly, especially when we all dispersed to go to university. But I did have some friends there and it would be nice to see them again.

I spent my 20s acquiring degrees and dabbling in social policy research in an effort to avoid the inevitable. At 29 I decided this was not the life for me and it was time to acknowledge my inner spreadsheet wonk and go through three years of hell accountancy training to get to where I wanted to be, namely using my aptitude for numbers to work for a charity which does good things in the local community.

As for the rest of my life, it turns out that I’m pretty happy with that too. Marriage and kids were never high on my agenda, but I’ve had a sort-of-sometimes relationship with a lovely bloke for the past 18 years even if we haven’t actually managed to commit to each other ;)

I have a reasonably well-paid and secure job and I practically own my own flat in central London, even if it’s the size of a postage stamp. I don’t have any major responsibilities and I enjoy the freedom that brings. And although I’d like to be thinner (wouldn’t we all) I don’t have any health problems – from the bossy emails it appears that at least one erstwhile classmate is no longer with us and another one is paralysed. Bloody hell.

I’m nervous as hell about Saturday but at least I’m going into it feeling that my life is the one I want to be leading and that I’ve stayed true to my values. I need to remember that life is not a competition and that there’s no need to be jealous of those who have become City lawyers or bankers, or have a husband and 2.4 kids, because that’s not what I want.

but unfortunately am feeling tired, stroppy, depleted and generally exhausted, so am having trouble with the second part of this goal.

Don’t think I’ll get any writing done today, the schedule is buggered and I don’t have the energy to contemplate getting back to it.

My flat is a mess.

I got a lot done at work despite the network going down for 2 hours, but with only 2 of us in the office there were constant interruptions. There’s still so much to do and I’m shouldering the burden as the DP is on holiday for the next 2 weeks. So I have to train the new person as well as do my own job and the DP’s job, for 2 weeks. And do Nanowrimo in the evenings. It’s a big ask.

I tried to be cheery and positive earlier but it didn’t seem to help matters.

I could really use a weekend of sleep but instead I’ve unwisely accepted a social engagement tomorrow night which could be construed as leading on the person in question, and I don’t know how to explain that I’m not interested without being cruel.

And this afternoon I was snippy at someone who really didn’t deserve it, and have been feeling bad about it ever since and also worried about the hostility I felt to the suggestion she made.

Argh.

Hopefully a decent night’s sleep will do the business, and am seeing G later this evening for a premier cru night, must calm down and try to rediscover my inner nice person.

my real name isn’t snowleopard. (Shock, horror!) Nor is it the name some of you know me by. My first name is actually Olivia, but my parents never called me that, so I became one of those people who use their second names, a fact with which certain bureaucracies are incapable of coping.

I’ve never used it but have been saving it up as my nom de plume. I’m delighted to see it’s currently very fashionable, so when I’m 63 I’ll be able to pretend to be 28. I think Olivia is a great name for a mistress of a salon, which is of course what the Breakfast Martini Mansion will become, once I sell the Nanonovel and the film rights.

_{it has dark chocolate trolls. It can’t fail! ;)}

reading wren and other people talking about how they are INFJs on the Myers-Briggs profile, so I decided to take a test to see what I was. In fact I took 2 different online tests (both very quick, under 5 min) and they gave the same answer: ISFJ, which stands for Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging.

Here’s what the Profile Personality page had to say:

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people’s feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. space travel’s in my blood, there ain’t nothing I can do about it…

They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ. God this is so true. I can remember small details of conversations going back years, if they meant something to me. I didn’t realise this was unusual. Is it?

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they’re not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they’re shown in a concrete way why it’s better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. this is quite true, and why I ended up doing social policy as an academic subject, because it had practical applications.

Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable. yup, look who’s on FTF every day without fail ;)

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they’re likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. ha!

This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other’s feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers – finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient. again, ha! this bit feels a bit like a horoscope telling me all the things I want to hear ;)

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people’s feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. silent smouldering all the way ;)

If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions. erm, turning to gin and marmalade? pounding a treadmill to miserable indie anthems?

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying “no” when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people’s needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted. this definitely resonates at the moment.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. scarily accurate.

When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that “everything is all wrong”, or “I can’t do anything right”.

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Overall, I found this very interesting and a lot of it definitely rings true – must remember to do the last bit and resist the temptation to beat myself up constantly.

my I Ching bracelet a question, a serious one this time, as opposed to “What would be the effect of us visiting the Mini Bottle Gallery tomorrow” which was the question I asked it in Oslo, and got such a bad answer that agent Z refused to accompany us, and then the Mini Bottle Gallery turned out to be closed anyway ;)

This time, the answer I got for what would happen if I did this thing I had in mind, was no.29, the Abysmal, which at first glance looks pretty grim – there’s a lot in there about misfortune and falling into the abyss, and no entertaining magic tortoises or headless dragons to lighten the mood.

But I rather liked the judgement (and I hope the judgement is the most important thing).

The Abysmal repeated.
If you are sincere, you have success in your heart,
and whatever you do succeeds.

Been reading a lot of books lately on how to be happy. Of course the problem with happiness is that there isn’t a road map. You can’t just say if I could sort out {insert problem here} then I would be happy, as people adapt very quicky to new situations and something else would probably come along to take its place. Anyway, here I’m going to write about what I’ve learned from these books and hope to put this to rest for the time being…

Dorothy Rowe talks a lot about extraverts and introverts. I always thought extraverts were sociable and loud, and introverts were quiet types – and that therefore I was an introvert. But Rowe says that extraverts are people who are concerned with other people, for whom external reality is more real than internal reality, whereas for introverts it’s personal achievement that matters and for them internal reality is more real than external. For example, if you want to lose weight because you’re concerned about what people think of you then you’re probably an extravert, whereas if you want to do it because it’s about having control over what you do, then you’re probably an introvert. I’m paraphrasing and it’s more complicated than that, but that’s the general gist.

So, shock realisation: I am an extravert, and I need to be needed (maybe that’s why I miss the needy cats so much, it turns out I’m the neediest cat of all). I tend to think that I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness – if one of my friends is down then I’m immediately wondering what I can do to help, whereas 9 times out of 10 the answer is nothing, except listen. And one of the main reasons why I feel bad about myself is because I feel I’m not living up to my mother’s expectations, especially in relation to my appearance (she’s into clothes and make-up and all the stuff I’m not) and whether I’m in a relationship.

But looking at it objectively, it’s obvious that this is ridiculous – other people’s happiness is dependent on all sorts of things outside my control, so the only person’s happiness I can be responsible for is my own. And I need to live according to my own values not someone else’s. The fact that I haven’t got a clue about mascara and hair straighteners may disappoint my mother but it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. And most of the time nor does the fact that I’m not in a relationship at the moment – I’m not exactly languishing around doing nothing all the time. It’s only when I start worrying about what other people think that these things take on more importance than they should.

• I will remember that my right to exist is not conditional on how I look, how much I weigh, or whether I’m going out with someone.
• I will offer a sympathetic ear to my friends but stop feeling that their problems are my problems and I have to solve them.
• I will actively enjoy the freedom that I currently have to do what I like, living in London which has so much to offer.
• I will stop reading self-help books. For a few months anyway ;)