face my fears

This is one of those things that I will always be doing. I feel aware of most of them right now and I try to constantly challenge myself. I have two phobias and I haven’t conquered those yet but I will when the time is right.

I am afraid of having too much fun. The fear is once I start having fun something bad will happen…though it sounds crazy I know why I’m like this and it’s just a matter of having fun anyway. Sometimes bad things might happen but the more I do the more I will realize if something bad happens it is just a coincidence. I went to an amusement park with my husband and a friend of ours this weekend and we all had such a great time!!!! I am exhausted but ok and that is a huge step in the right direction for me!!

I bought a book today called ” Talking About Death Won’t Kill You.” I read the first 40 pages in the bookstore and decided it was fated for me to pick it up and start reading. I was with my grandmother when she died and there was nothing scary about it but my last experience with death was violent and tragic and not only have I not dealt with that, it has made me terrified of all things dying so I am going to at least begin to face my fears… with a book.

For years I have kept them somewhat on the back burner so it is disarming when they rear their ugly head. When I feel the least bit fearful I banish it to the egde of my pysche but I know that I need to embrace them. I think I am better about doing this with some of my fears than I think but there are a few that I keep in the dark. The fear of standing on my own and doing things that I find exciting are two of the biggest. After I had a stalker and that culminated in a really bad experience I have preferred to stand to the side and let everyone else do the living and I would take pictures of it…the thought of jumping into the fray makes me so scared that I want to throw up but the time is getting close—I know that I can’t keep hiding.