stop cutting myself

i feel like shit i have not cut for over a month and for me thats great but yesterday it all started going down hill and today things have just gone from bad to worse and i did it i cut the top of my arm to bits and i feel like crap for doing it but i have suicidal thoughts again and the cutting didnt get rid of the pain this time but i had to stop because it was really bad but i just want it over i cant keep fighting anymore not when i dont see a point in doing so and even tho i am cant get myself to talk inside i am screaming so load it deafens me im so very lost today …...................

i am falling i have not cut for 5 days i have been trying really hard but know i am aching to cut i am full of anger and hurt and i cant get rid of it i feel i need to cut so bad my body is shaking and i dont know what to do any one help me with ideas i soooo dont want to cut again HELP

dont you hate it when people tell you that what you are going though is a faze, i thought of all the people that would understand would be my friend nene we have been friends since we where 4 years old and she has had some problems in the past with not being able to leave the house and things but to my upset she dont really understand and to make it worse my dad was there when she came round and he was saying things about it and he just looked disgusted with me and looked at me like is was shit on the bottom of his shoe. but i thought it was ok cause she would understand well how wrong was i she just sat there and said ‘its ok lorrayne it is just a faze we will get you sorted’ SORTED why do i need fking sorting why cant people understand that this is me and that i dont want to be what they want i want to be me good and bad i just want them to understand that. but you know when yo are sitting in a room full of people and they are all making you feel like shit and all you can do is feel so small and stupid i couldnt say anything i just sat there not saying anything i didnt have the balls to tell the all to fk off why am i not strong enough. and when they had all gone i sat in my room and got my blade and just sta there looking at it how crazy that these people think that they are helping you when really all they are doing is just making it so much worse and then i just thought even tho adam {my ex} was sometimes an arse hole at least he knew i cut and didnt hate me for it or think bad of me for doing so he really tried to help so why cant every else be like that why do they say things like it is a faze and why and i not strong enough to stop letting it get to me will i ever be strong enough

i have had a bad week just everything has been getting to me so i have not left my bed i went on tuesday to see my syc doctor and i have come to the conclussion that he has not got a clue about me i find it too hard to talk to him so that dont help plus my meds are not working and that is starting to piss me off cause i have been on them for over 6 six months now the must start to do something for me but i feel not better in fact i am starting to feel worse i feel like shit everyday i cant sleep i have no one that understands i think my family are starting to get fucking sick of me they think i have an attiude they cant get to gribs that i am ill and they just wind me up and gets me so mad that i cut more so i try to stay away from them so i have not seen anyone since last tuesday and i cant bare to go out as i panick so badly when i am out i feel like i am crazy so i stay in and hide and that is not good for me i know but what are you to do when that cloud comes over you

A darkened room
with walls painted black
a low bed
with a sink and mirror at the back
so I sit
after firmly bolting the door
I lay gently
my things on the floor
a pair of scissors
and a razor blade
a bottle of vodka
and my tools of trade
I slowly stand up
with getting undressed
let it fall to the ground
exposing bare flesh
then with the blade
I score a line on my arm
the one thing that helps
is doing me harm
I dont press too hard
just enough to draw blood
I’m not crazy
just misunderstood
the pain from inside
is getting too much
so I turn to destruction
to keep me in touch
hurting myself
helps give me control
which is sadly lacking
in life as a whole
I think I’ve changed
from who I used to be
the fear and pain
swallowed up the old me
I can’t rationalize
that which I do
I know it’s stupid
but I think it’s true
that this is
the only way I can survive
anti-depressants can’t keep me alive
I fear I’ve apalled you
well, dont be alarmed
I’ll try to keep covered
the scars on my arm.

I sit in the dark,
A knife in my hand.
Thinking, hoping,
Yet knowing the pain will expand.

Unless I let it go,
Unless I let it out,
But to me it does no good,
To scream or to shout.

The only thing that lets it go,
This pain inside me,
Is to drag the knife across,
And the scarlet tears I see.

People ask me to stop,
But they don’t know it’s hard,
Forever will I have reminders,
For my arms are scarred.

Scarred in remembrance,
Of a time not long ago.
For the pain made me,
Feel high when I was low.

I stop one day,
Or it’ll cost me my life,
But for now I cannot,
Give up my crimson knife.

i hate the way i am feeling my blood is boiling in side me my body is over flowing with anger with hurt and with pain and mostly sadness. i have been on such a down i got so angery and mad with my self i just started to puch myself in the face and head over and over again then i got so mad i got out the blade and just hacked away at my body the thing is that when i do it it is like i am out of myself looking down wished sometimes that i didnt do it but still i hack away to a point when i dont even feel it anymore so i just keep goingi just wacth it all flow away with the blood. then i sit there and cry hating myself even more then before i cut each time i feel less like a real person and more dead. and i think do i make my soul bad when i hurt myself, i hate the life that i am leading yet i try to make it better seeing my sync doctor who if i am honest dont have a fucking clue about it and taking pills but it dont seem to help so what am i to do….... i realing dont know anymore…...

i have tired so hard not to cut but i can not stop i find myself cutting more and more everyday i dont have any control on it. it is like something has taken over my body and does it for me and i just have to cut again and again and then i hate myself even more for cutting then it all starts again where does it end….

My Knife, it’s so beautiful
The blade is cold,
Against bare skin,
Against white skin
The Knife is sharp against delicate skin
The first drop landed on my knee
It cuts more and more
Almost by itself
Drop number two and three falls together
It’s a relief to see it slowly flowing
Sometimes a lot,
Or maybe just a little
But I AM alive!
I don’t want to die,
I just want to live
Want know that I’m alive
Be here!
I throw my knife
I want it to go away
Why did it become mine in the first place?

i couldnt do it i had to cut and i did the need to do it was far great then me i feel so worthless and stupid know and i cut myself really bad over 80 cuts i started with 4 deep ones but i just lost control it was like my body was over taken then when it was done i came back i cant believe i failed again…......