Beat my depression

im sorry to have to write this but i have to otherwise i might send myself more crazy then i am already…... i want to die tonight the pain is filling up inside and it is killing me not to let it out i have not cut in a very long time but i am wanting to cut myself now it so strange how i cant seem to take any pain anymore everyone is getting on my case i hate being alive i have nothing and no one i know people will say you must have something but i feel i really dont none of it is worth it anymore not that i will do anything bout it i am to weak to try it again i just hate feeling like this all the time this feeling is making my life hell in itself…........... wy do we live like this what is the point really cause i cant see it

i have not writen on this site for a while not cause i have been feeling any better i just didnt know what to put in to worda how i have been feeling. i have stoped takening my antidepressants as i dont think they do anything to help i think i am better off with out them i think m depression is more about things that i have not coped with and because of that made problems with me inside and i think maybe i have to find a way to deal with that then take pills to stop the feelings and then there are the things that maybe i dont need pills for i really think that i have spent so many years planing a part in life that other people have wanted me to be rather then living my life as the person i want to be and the pain has come from that and i need to sort that out rather then pretending its not there i dont know maybe i am wrong i just dont know anymore

i fell really down today and i have beend oing so well by my folks have really started getting to me again they always have a way of throwing eveything back in my face like i am really not good enough and they try so hard to love me {they dont} but i make it impossible for them to love me, im am sick of them throwing it back in my face that i live with them and that i should be honered they let me why do they do that to me, i know i have had a very bad year the worst of my life and my dad says because i did it to myself i used being manic depressive be and excuse to do nothing and that i deseve everything that happens to me, then i get to think have i made myself ill and depressed i hate myself so much all ready you know i was trying hard to sort myself out maybe its just not enough maybe i am not good enough i think i have always felt that so what is the point of any of it i might as well just lay down a die if there is no light at the end of the tunnel what is the point

i have been really depressed since march for many reasons one tho was that i walk out on my ex and i really did love him but i didnt think he did me and too much had gone on well i have been beating my self up about this ever since but last week he taxt and said he wants to talk to me he wants to know what happened now i dont know if this is a good idea to go and see him it has been so long and i was geting used to not seeing him and i am scared that if i see him i we fall back again or on the other side is will i regert not going i dont know what to do and i cant help but let it make me feel like crap. so does anyone have any ideas what i should do cause i have none

i feel so down today i can see to stop myself from crying i hate myself so much i just cant cope with life any more it is so hard again

i have been depressed for a very longtime and self harming long time too and i have lost everything my boyfriend my home my jobs everything so how am i to ever make things right i am 25 and i feel that i have made a mess of my life but i want to feel better but where do i start who do i do this does anyone have any ideas they would like to share

guys if you ever feel down then please watch this clip i saw it on someones entires and i loved it i smiled and giggle some much i might be sad sorry but hope it makes you smile to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4x-VW_rCSE&mode=related&search=

for any of you who lives in the uk did you see that program about stephen fry about him and his manic depression. i did and you know its mad because every thing he was saying was like it was me that was saying it and you know part of it help a little as my brother had seen it and he got a tiny bit of what having manic depression is like and what hard work it is. see i know there are others out there because of this site but i just wanted to see what others thought of it. it is good to know that a last there was someone on tv telling you what life is like when you have it it is not that you have an attitude or your bad or stupid {these are just some that i have been called} but you a ill and need help. so i say good on stephen fry…...

i sit in my room with my cd player on not knowing how i became such a mess i look in the mirror and hate what i see so i start to cry but then i get angery with myself for doing that then the feeling start to boil inside so i pick up a blade and look at it. i thnk i dont need to cut i dont need to feel so shit i could change i could be happy then it dawns on me i can be them things cause i dont have the strengh in myself to do it so i slowly rest the blade on my arm and push down feeling the pain as i cut then i can see it worked as i can see the blood fall from my arm but i cant stop now because that first cut is like a pandorras box and so much pain and hurt and badness starts to pump in my vains and the only way to get rid of it is to cut them and let the contaminated blood out of my body i can cut for hours and not even know it then i stop blood everywhere and tears down my face thoughts in my head well maybe regrets i wish i didnt have to cut to feel things i wish i was strong i wish i was a better me i wish i wish i wish a lot but wishes never come true for me so i just go on like today for now im ok but i know that when i am sitting here in a while the grey clood will come again but its ok i am used to it now for me it is just another day.