suddenly i realized one day that i dont love myself enough. i started finding so many flaws in me.. i used to be really happy and smiling all the time.. i know this may sound stupid but till i was around 16 i always felt god was with me and guiding me but for the last 8 years i just have been feeling lonely..i did few things which i regret many times, they make me cry now. they break me. i was in a boys boarding school and i was harassed there by few guys. i even developed sexual relations with a few guys and one day i was caught in the act and ridiculed by few senior students.i was in standard 9th then. even i turned out to be no angel and forced myself on one or two guys for fun when everybody was around. im very sorry for all this that i have done.. because i know i have gone wrong for maybe an year in my life but rest of the time i have really been nice…
another shameful thing that i did was to touch my sister in bad ways when she was sleeping. she was crying while i was doing this. due to this my relation with my sister got strained. i was in class 7th then.. till now i havnt been able to look at her in the eye. and these memories keep haunting me whenever im sad.
now recently for the last two years i noticed that my nose was a bit ugly. it would look twisted and fat when i looked at it in the mirror. this was a big shock for me cause i had considered myself quiet good looking.
i have developed this mental illness and on my off days i would try to look in the mirror and try to fix my nose…
i have great expectations from myself but suddenly everything is taking a toll on me.. god never seems to be beside me..
i kno my mind rite now is totally derranged and i have started frowning more and smiling less.. because i have been ridiculed i have developed some kind of fears in me. sometimes i start thinking a lot.. its like my mind is prisoned….many times i jus wanna run away to the mountains or kill myself.. if i had proper means i think i would have already… i wanna start afresh rite from where i first went wrong. i wish i could end my life.
well i couldnt tell everything to anybody but i just wanted to share it… i kno its very long story of my madness :-)