put myself first

This is such a difficult goal for me to even grasp, mentally, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. It’s something I need to focus on whenever possible. Sometimes I get confused and think I’m being rude. I guess that goes to show how much I’m willing to bury my own interests – I think it’s rude to express myself! Maybe it’s because I always hear a voice telling me I shouldn’t want to do this, that other people’s feelings, attitudes and such come first. But I know that I should be paying more attention to what I need. At times I think what I need will come through others, and I focus on the importance of serving them to get what I want. But it shouldn’t always be like this. I think its difficult to be in a position of servitude because it’s hard to get out, if you ever want to. Most people are a certain way already, either master or servant. I have tried doing both in my life, at an attempt to gain better understanding of both worlds, and balance. Maybe right now what I’m trying to do is incorporate both philosophies into my style of living. It’s a great challenge, but I still do not feel that I’m getting it right. I find myself in situations where I go along with others and can’t enjoy my time there, or exercise enough will or assertiveness to feel as though I’ve made the time my own. And there are still many instances where I subordinate myself and my desires to the will of others, neglecting my own, out of fear. To some extent it may be because over the years I have put pride and egoism in a bad bin. There are better words to describe the various states of self confidence and appreciation, but I guess it takes a lot of work to earn that. I guess I have not yet learned what it truely means to serve others unconditionally, or else I would be wiser now. And in that case, I am still a ways from my goal. Because in order to understand myself and the world around me, I feel I should know the power of self sacrifice, I feel I should deeply understand the mechanics of it, so I don’t fall victim to my own devices in the process of becoming greater. I dont feel that I should have to cull the talents and skills of others, I feel that others should desire to support me without persuasion, and I am familiar with that feeling, so it is possible.