soulsistaa is doing 11 things including…

Vent on 43T & not on twitter

6 cheers

 

soulsistaa has written 15 entries about this goal

Take back my power

I need to,
get back in the driving seat of my own life instead of allowing him to steer me

stop waiting on him and reacting to him…make my own decisions and choices first

Lock the door, dip in and out, turn the table and reverse the power

Be less available

Trust my intuition

Focus more on me and friends, less on him

Reduce the physical space he has in my life which will reduce the emotional and head space he has in my life… this is unbalanced. He does not have the same amount for me.

Drive the car of my own life… don’t allow any1 to drive it and crash it, walking away leaving the car on fire and causing death, whether physical, spiritual or mental.

Look back on track records….would you allow a person to keep borrowing books if they never returned them? If I am a book and he has not taken good care of that book, would I keep allowing him to have access to that book?

Find 10 things to do that don’t involve him



List

Things I need to remember, do, or whatever….

need to make a note as my head is so full of stress today I need to write stuff down….

1.

can’t even do that properly….



Untitled

My head is sore, feeling like I just need some time away from everybody, the internet and just sleep, find somewhere like a nice quiet beach and sit with nature and God…. however, everywhere u go these days there are people, I’m a sociable person but also enjoy my own company, and while I can be alone at home, sometimes I wanna go out and have that non disturbed time, I think I feel stressed but not fully sure why, everything seems like an effort, I’m irritable and am getting more angry inside.

I dont know why



Untitled

Not been feeling 100% lately, I think it’s because I’ve not been sleeping too well. Last week was super busy working a lot on my 2nd job, as well as still my day job, had a few 17 hours days.
I need a good sleep, the weather keeps swinging from hot to cold by the hour which is also making me too hot or too cold in bed. I’m irritable when I’m tired too.

Saw my ex yesterday, gave him the last of the things out my car and he then came to my house and got his suitcase out my loft. He was pleasant and I could see he was dragging the time out in being around me, asking me questions about work etc as well as telling me stuff about him. I saw him looking at me a lot, and everytime I turned my head I caught him, but I didnt sit down once, just kept myself busily watering my plants etc.
He said my living room looked bare and am I moving! He said I had more pictures up b4 etc, I said I wanna travel light, cos when I’m ready to up and leave I won;t have a lot of stuff to sort out, he was speechless, just looked at me, I think somewhere inside he may have thought its because of him. He sat down for a while making convo until he then got up and went up the loft.
When he left he leaned forward and hugged me, I spent the evening thinking bout him, we spoke briefly on whatsapp, he said I have lost weight and am looking good, nothing major, was a 5minute convo about tv really.

I do miss him, still have feelings, but they are fading, I think because I’m trying not to dwell. I think it’s clear he still has feelings for me, but thats kinda irrelevant when his actions have been the way they are. I’ll continue to pray for him. But..thats all I know right now..



Cheers gone

Why am I not able to cheer everyone back? 43T have not given me enough cheers !!



ouch

Havin a down day today, quite tearful.. mixed feeling of I miss him and how can he be with someone else?
Just feeling hurt, and even tho my friends tell me he’s not worth it and I@m worth ten of him, on the inside I know he’s no good for me, but I still love him and the thoughts of him being with someone else is really hurtful. I don;t want him back, but I do miss him, I also don;t want anyone else..

my heart aches …. and my body is so tired and I have no strength for anything today…



zzzzzzzzzzz

Man this PMS is makin me so drowzy its crazy…cant focus very well all week, sleepiness is high, havin to force myself to work out this week, let alone go to work, drive etc. but tonight when I’m done, I’m gonna relax a LOT.. I hate PMS…I take a lot of evening primrose oil which has helped with the mood swings, but this lethargy is a nightmare along with dizziness, lack of focus, sensitivity and up n down sleep patterns. Did a lil research as to why medically this happens, the usual “oh its ur hormones” answer isnt enough…I wanted detail, as maybe I can find a way to combat it without the usual being offered to go on birth control pill, i tried it yrs ago when I was a teenager and I ballooned in weight…I am NOT risking weight gain with all this progress I made!!

gettign sleepy again…......zzzzzzzzz



jus a lil vent to get it out

feeling a bit fed up physically and mentally. think its hormones affecting me… jus wanna sleep..miss havin someone to hug and kiss me..body needs what it wants…cant have nothin…its like starving it of its natural urges…miss my ex and remember how things used to be between the sheets…sounds foolish…and probably is…but it’s the effect of hormonal times on my mind n body…he HAS to remain a fading thought and these hormones WILL not bring him to thw surface… getting the thoughts out to hopefully get rid of them rather than doing something stupid that I regret by giving into them…which only takes a phone call….

I need a laugh…a good hard laugh…a belly laugh that has tears rolling down my face… I’m gonna find it…wish I didnt have an assignment due in on Monday that I havent even started and cant focus on….. sigh…vent over…for now



jus extracting some thoughts from somewhere up there....

I need to be better, not bitter
I realise I don’t trust men, I’m always suspicious now

I keep having horrible thoughts of the last words my ex said to me that he told another woman he wants to be with her and that he is sleeping with her. This makes me feel horrible, angry, hurt, tearful and nauseous…. asking myself why do I feel this way?

-rejection from someone i love
- him embracing someone else, not me
-that after all i did for me, it wasnt enough for decent treatment
-wondering why he treated me like a dog when I treated him like a king
-recognising his cycles, he has done this before thru life with other women, I thought he was worth giving a chance to, I got burned and let down, i didnt realise

- the not nice truth that my body is still craving him but having the knowledge that he is sharing his body with another while I hold my pillow for comfort…..so many thoughts, feelings, emotions

Wondering why my Dad bothered to take my number if he didnt plan on using it or replying to my texts, I should be used to a lifetime of rejection from him, but it would be nice if he took an interest, I guess I keep ending up meeting guys like him, or maybe all guys are the same, unfaithful, jumping from one to the next, always wanting more and something new?

Thinking I do appreciate my friends, but while they all have kids or partners, nobody wants to come out, its ok being on the phone but sometimes I need to go out, I wanna have fun again, be in places to meet new people

Need to stop letting men into my zone who only appreciate one thing, need to recognise good from bad

Thinking bout what my mom would say to me if she was still alive, also thinking would she have gotten healed herself, she had so many issues from her life, I wonder if she would ever have found Jesus had she been given an extension on here life

Wondering why God has taken so many of my people away, and everytime I feel I am going to get my happy ever after, my family of my own, its ripped away from me, why?

Why couldnt my ex have stayed the distance instead of calling our wedding off 6 days before, he was a decent faithful man, a christian, but he’s now married to a bishop’s daughter, maybe I’m just not good enough for a good man….but then maybe its not about being good enough, it’s about becoming more than who I am to be able to impact others more, I wanna be a wife and a mother, but at 35 and living with a broken heart and spirit, what really can I offer anyone right now. But If I had somethin decent, someone to protect and love me rather than reject me, I could be happy. again.

Lord, I’m not asking for much….



Recognise

As I type this I’m feeling calmer, I realise the waves of emotions are going to come and go, and the negative ones will get less.
anger causes us to say and think things that we dont mean, cos I’d hate it if those words actually left my mouth to him, if anything happened to him it would kill me.

but right now, I’m trying to deal with me…because of him…but because of God and His faithful promises, I know I’m gonna get through this better, and stronger. Even tho I asked God to restore me to my former self before I met him, I believe I will be stronger and wiser on top.
I dont want this healing to take long, and greater is He thats in me than he thats in the world.

I recognise I’m on a journey with some uncertainties, all because of soul damage. half of me just wants to sleep squeezing my bible, the other half wants to go out and get drunk.

its what I do that counts…need to be patient with myself.



soulsistaa has gotten 6 cheers on this goal.

 

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