It’s been quite some time since I’ve updated on this. My last crush ended for no particular reason, I guess I just got over it. In January I spent a month in France with a group of about 20 students from my college. I met a few cool people and one guy in particular…we hung out for the first time about 2 weeks into the trip, and I realized he was really nice..cute, funny, but I never expected anything. He’s a year older than me, a sophomore.
He asked for my screenname shortly after that and we started IMing..we talked every night for the rest of the trip, and flirted a lot. The problem: he had/has a girlfriend. A serious one back home where he lives. So at first I sort of resisted his advances. I knew nothing could come of it. But our last weekend in Paris after spending a lot of time just the two of us (dancing for hours at a discoteque, wandering the streets on a search for kebabs, going to the top of the Eiffel tower..)..well, we made out a little that night (our last night in France). We had been drinking a little, enough to relax, and we took things from there. I mean, I guess I should feel bad (it was pretty immoral, and I had told myself before that nothing would happen), but honestly it just felt right at the time and I don’t regret it.
We remained close for the rest of the school year, once we got back for Spring semester. Once again, talking everyday, seeing each other every week usually (sometimes just to watch t.v. and snuggle..other times hooking up, sometimes alcohol was involved, sometimes completely sober). I mean, we haven’t had sex (i’m still a virgin)..but at one point he admitted to wanting to with me…though neither of us would let it get that far (I do have some morals, and it’s the ‘line’ that he won’t cross on account of his g/f).
Have I convinced you that he’s a jerk yet? That’s the problem, he’s not. He’s one of the sweetest guys I know..I wouldn’t let myself fall for a jerk. And he has apologized several times for ‘leading me on’...then he’s said other things that hint that he had been thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend (sometime this summer perhaps) but I’m starting to think it’s a lost cause…it’s been almost a month since school ended, and we won’t see each other again until september.. I wonder what will have changed by then…
It’s just so frustrating, because he’s the only guy I can see myself being with right now. I’m ready for an adult relationship…with someone who really loves me and only me…someone I can say “I love you” to. Forget this middle school drama, I’m 19! Don’t we all just wish things could happen when we want them to? I’m so sick of the waiting game.
