Start going out again and enjoying myself!

Tonight- The Theatre :)

Yesterday was an all time low on the going out front. I went out with my friend, Topher, the day before and we stayed out til 3am. It was crazy. We went for a drive and had a couple of drinks in a bar and then went and had some chips at this pull in that is renowned in this area as a place where ‘chavs’ and people with tiny cars that have been modified to within an inch of their life go. We sat there all night talking. With the engine off and nothing to mark the passing of time we were both happily catching up for hours without realising. It felt amazing to be talking to someone who was ACTUALLY interested in what I had to say. Topher can be a bit of a flake and he’s the first to admit it- but when you get him on his own he’s very good at listening and talking. Soooo I had a really good evening.

Yesterday I had a day off and so did Ben. He came over just before lunch. I fixed us some food. Then he disappeared off with my brother for several hours where they played geek games and I sat about BORED out of my mind. It’s great that my brother and Ben find a lot of common ground in their WOW, Runescape, Tribal wars or other gaming obsessions but I would like to go out once in a while. I know Ben is strap for cash right now & so am I but… a walk might have been nice. He did suggest it briefly before in true British style- the heavens opened and neither of us fancied it. I think maybe this area is just exhausted of exciting things to do and places to go. But I’m going to start working at this again.

Next week I’m flying out to Egypt for a wee break of 15 days. Probably a silly time to go- what with the temperatures being in excess of 40 degrees at certain points but we shall see. It’s another adventure.

Went out with my best friend for the first time in a good few months yesterday. I love him to the ends of the earth and back again. He’ll always be my best friend no matter what and not only because his shoulders are good to lean on when I cannot hold myself up… or because he can put up with my mess and rubbish but because we have fun together. He gets on with virtually everyone because he’s so easy going. His girlfriend should really know just how lucky she is!!!!

We had a BBQ and then went to a bar and had a drink. It felt like the summer of ‘06 all over again. Like I’d got myself & my best friend back. AND it didn’t really occur to me how close to Heath’s house we were… WHICH IS KINDA AN ACHIEVEMENT… I’m smugly pleased with myself because HEY I didn’t think of him at all. I was having more fun than I ever had with him!!!! :)

I know who my real friends are and the people who really matter!!!!

Had the hair cut off into a bob.

Went out to the cinema for the first time in a while. It was brillo-pads. Going to the same place where Heath and I went felt like a bit of an adventure because I’ve not been with anyone since the last time I went with him. A big group of random people went along and it was a real laugh. Went to the pub afterwards. I felt like my own age again as opposed to some relic.

Ben has yet again failed to treat me like a lady and massive strop about my going out and about. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe he is the problem… maybe I should go back to the single life because I actually think I was always happier alone when there was no Heath and no Ben! I feel ghastly for saying it but maybe that was the case! It’s held me back from going so many places and doing so many things over the last 3 years…

Hmmmm… I shall ponder this I think. Something has to change!

Since this time last year I’ve stopped going out and I’ve stopped doing things. This time last year I had numerous gigs lined up, I was out reading my poetry and being seen, I looked good, I went to the cinema at least once a week and spent virtually every night in a bar somewhere flirting with random people and talking to old guys with funny hats. I played on the beach in flip flops and danced the night away under the stars out on the green… I had this life that I look back on with awe and a complete and utter fondness. This year in comparison has been kinda whack.

I’ve not been to the cinema since the last time I saw my ex-boyfriend. I only seem to go out on special occasions. I have a car now of my own and yet I don’t take it anywhere because I am scared of driving it in case I have an accident and have been to a pub about 3 times for a coffee and a chat in some quiet place with no music usually to negotiate splitting of assets and stuff or to try and ‘be friends’ with someone who dumped me when Heath and I split for good. I find myself wondering how it all can have gone when none of the happiness that I remember really belonged to him- except the cinema. The only way to look at it is I lost a bit of my soul and with it the fun side of me decided to become old.

Which quite frankly… I’m not having any of anymore. I have decided that despite lack of money today I’m taking my arse to the hairdressers to get a hair cut. As it’s been about a 10 months. I last had it cut when Heath and I ended for the first time and it’s about time I took care of myself. I have a black eye at the moment as well which is NOT pleasant looking so I just generally feel a wreck.

Step 1. Take care of myself more… so I can look ok-ish
Step 2. Book some gig-tickets and theatre tickets… sod the money that’s what credit cards and a student loan is for.
Step 3. Finish all uni work to a standard that’s super cool… so I can say… LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE… ALL ON YOUR OWN.
Step 4. See my friends. I haven’t seen Luke for over a month now and I’m not likely to any time soon with dissertation and projects looming… but I need a break sometimes.
Step 5. Get my Graduation stuff sorted.
Step 6. Book a holiday.
Step 7. Get some confidence built with driving.
Step 8. Take Ben to the cinema
Step 9. Go out for a night of dancing with Tad like I used to. He has informed me that he still exists and that I shouldn’t forget that while I’m in being boring.
Step 10. Tell Ben how it feels to be stuck in the house all the time. And then do something about it whether he likes it or not!!!!
Step 11. Go on dates more often.

Not really steps but just things in general. Today haircut and shoes and maybe a new pair of glasses to cover my eye… and some cream so it doesn’t get any bigger and then tomorrow the world :). WOo.