be more confident

I had a cracking time tonight but as the alcohol wore off I became more self-conscious and I reduced my dancing to nil. I stood propping up the wall, feeling self conscious, unworthy and generally disgusted in myself.

I’m not doing well on this goal!

Today I gained some confidence in the classroom again. After some really not so nice incidents I had lost faith in myself. Today I felt better about it. I found my ‘teacher voice’ again and I let rip at a class who were being completely disrespectful both to each other and to myself and the other ‘miss’ in the class. And I found that I got silence LOL. With that class I was amazed. And I think maybe it’s the start I needed to find my voice and my feet again.

Other areas of my life will have to wait but confidence has to be learnt, studied and worked on constantly to remain. I’ve gotta put a lot more work into this to make sure I remain confident.

My weight gain… although only slight has knocked me back. It is hard to have confidence when you don’t feel like you’re at your best. I am now an unhealthy size 14- some people are healthy and gorgeous size 14’s. I look alright at this size BUT I am not healthy. I’m probably due a heart attack any day. My insides are probably damaged beyond repair. It’s not funny and my wardrobe is a mess. My room is a tip and my life just feels a bit too chaotic.

This is becoming a serious problem. It’s going to continue getting in my way until I do something about it.

I need to seriously change my life and my lifestyle and sort myself out!!!!

But can confidence be learnt???

I have a lack of confidence. And I have that lacking everywhere.

I lack the confidence in my own ability to do things right- this is most obvious in my driving. I don’t trust myself to drive and not kill someone so I only do short distances at times when there are few people on the roads.

I lack confidence in my own writing skills- so unless someone pushes me to do it I wont put anything forward for publication. (Since Uni I’ve completely stopped writing because there’s no one saying ‘It’s good- write more).

I lack the energy to push myself forward for jobs and things because I just don’t believe I am right for anything. Then sometimes I want something so badly that I will push for it- and when I get it- I then go back to thinking ‘Why??’. ‘I don’t deserve it’.

I lack the confidence to speak up when I want to…

I lack the confidence to say ‘No’ outright.

There’s a lot of lacking. BUT I know I can be a confident and outgoing person… in the right situation. So I guess I’ve just gotta start concentrating on that- and being that person at times when I absolutely need to be!!!!