I’ve looked in the mirror and just saw my reflection. But I really didn’t SEE myself. Today it really hit me. After taking a philosophy ethics class and learning about morals, researching Ben Franklin (my idol), and coming to my psychology class today (talking about selfish people)...I realized, holy shit…those behaviors are what I often do. Ben Franklin I feel is selfless and achieved so much to help the people of the colonies and laid the foundation for our Country.
And then a funny thing happened on the drive home. My husband called me and asked if he could borrow some money. Instantly I was rattling off “I berely have any money, I have money but it’s for gas, why do you need money? What am I supposed to do.” He said “Whatever, don’t worry about it.” I hung up thinking, he’s a big boy, he has a job, he doesn’t know how to handle money, I’ve lived on less that what he said he has ($9) for days and days, and there’s food at home-he needs to stop buying fast food.
After cooling off a little bit I thought about everything that I had been learning the last week and even that day at school. Maybe he really did need the money. I didn’t even give him a chance to explain why he needed money. Maybe it was for a bill. Then I thought of all the times he’s lent and given me money. It was never a problem for him. In fact he’s one of the most giving people I know. And this was probably the second time he’s ever asked me for money (over our 4yr relationship).
I made the decision that if I want to be a better, less selfish person…here is an opportunity right in my face. I stopped by his work with an envelope with the money he needed, not with a huff of frustration but a smile, because I love him and appreciate him…and money comes and goes. I didn’t say anything other then “here you go.”
If I could describe my behavior in simple terms I feel like a little kid who clings to what I have and finds it painful to give things up. I think part of that has to do with I’ve been manipulated in the past, and think people have bad motives when they ask for something.
Believe me it sucks to admit this, but it’s the truth. The sooner I face the truth the sooner I can fix my actions. Today was the day I faced the truth, the ugly truth. Now I need to break my habits, change my thoughts, and be a giving person.
