decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life

Maybe this is different from what I’m expecting. Right now, I see this as an answer to a question, once I have which will ‘once and for all’ settle my anxieties of what to do for a career. My expectation is that it will also be something I can throw out in conversation and get a good response:
“so, what do you do?”
“oh, I’m [insert thing here]”
“wow. Impressive. Do you want me to be your friend or give you money just because you’re so cool? I validate your career choice and approve of you. congratulations for never having to think hard about your career again. I’m sure it feels good.”

…and so on, with each person I talk to.

Now I see that this is silly. There is no single answer to the question, since it isn’t a single question. It keeps changing. The goal itself, “decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life,” sounds like a static question, something that can be answered like a question on a test for school. “Hmmm… is the answer is D? No, C. Yes, I think I’ll pencil in C, it seems to make more sense than the 1,000,000 other choices on this multiple-choice test. Whew! Glad that’s over. Now back to filling my head with TV / news / fears / alcohol / sex / buying stuff.”

Now I see more deeply into the question behind this question:
• Both the question and answer will change continually
• The answer needs to come from me, and not be based entirely on external factors
• There are no right answers here, but there are plenty of good ones

WTF am I doing with my life? Looking back at my calendar, I see things that have been completed, but don’t really give satisfaction. Part of the frustration is seeing the baffling number of possibilities that exist. In my calendar, I am free to write anything in the approaching weeks, days and hours. After school, I have upwards of 5 hours to do anything I want to do. 5 HOURS of ANYTHING! Instead of moving towards meaningful and satisfying goals with these moments, it seems like I’m squandering them on pointless things. The frustration is that I don’t know what to write in those spaces, that there isn’t some larger picture to build on. For a goal to be worthy, it should look worthwhile after it has been accomplished.

However, it’s difficult to determine this looking forwards. Maybe this frustration is OK, its just part of learning. There are a few things that have turned out to be good choices and investments of time. I’ve been able to meet some good people who are going through the same things, and sharing our stories has been helpful for us. It has helped to see that we share this frustration, and given us clues about what possibilities we can choose.

OK, enough whining from me for now. time to start working on those worthwhile goals.