stay good friends with my ex BF

I never saw Matt again. We continue to talk online occasionally and I am still afraid to hang out with him. Despite this, I continue to admire him and wish I had some of his character traits. Namely, empathy, being a good friend, being open and honest,and being friendly to everyone.

In some ways the cold turkey therapy has helped. I wrote letters to him (which I will never give him) and sorted out some of my feelings. Ive kinda realized that Im always gonna love him. One of my problems now is figuring out whether or not I still want to be friends. On the one hand.. I think he is awesome and it would be a damn shame to not have him in my live anymore. And on the other hand… It still hurts sometimes. It hurts to talk to him on msn, when he says goodbye, when we dont talk alot. Knowing that he doesnt think about me that way any more. I still think about him alot (I think so, this is much much less than in the beginning when I literally did not stop thinking about him). But I still think about him everyday. More than once. Ill leave it at that. Ive re-added him back to my msn and continue to talk to others about how im dealing with it. Im a little better though. Im not where I would like to be at this point but hopefully once I get to actually see him in person again.. I will see how incredibly long its been since we went out, and how different it is. And how I know it wouldnt work. This is what I hope! There is a couple of guys who are interested in me now. One, in my class who im not interested in that way, one off the internet (bad i know i know), and another actually, who is interested in me sexually (all guys do HA HA, but I mean its out in the open that its just sexual).

I will be in contact with them more so hopefully I can regain so esteem and kinda.. change?

Its been what, 6 months since we broke up?

He’s had another girlfriend, went out with her for 5 months, and broken up with her as well.

Im still obsessed. A small little incident happened on msn messenger. He mentioned dating in a totally unrelated, joking wy (the smiley face wants to go out with me) and i know he meant nothing by it, he wouldnt even have thought of it becuase hes so over me.

But it caused me to have difficulty breathing and so I have blocked him from messenger on a friends advice.

I unblocked him once for about an hour, but otherwise im staying strong.

cold turkey – might as well try it.

Now that that whole fiasco is over we are ok, i guess. As much as I want to be there for him and talk to him and have him be a big part of my life… we really dont talk on msn hardly at all. Partially because he’s busy and partially because we have nothing to talk about. Having nothing to talk about is my fault because I have no life. When we were going out talking was replaced with joking,having fun,him helping me with my problems, and fooling around. It just makes me feel like the relationship exsts more as a fantasty rather than a reality. I want to talk to him more on msn, but I dont want to bug him either.. I know he’s really busy now with new friends and univeristy and possibly a new girl. that would suck..

Wednesday September 8th 2005

OK so.. He left on Sunday for University and I last got to see him on Saturday when I came over to his house to say goodbye which wasnt so much fun.. lots of moping around and trying not to cry and then eventually just crying and not being able to stop but not wanting to talk about it either because I didnt want to get into it I wanted to try to show him that I could be friends and I needed to move on.

I have been writing him emails about all my favourite memories about our relationship (which turned out to be more of a detailed account of it from my perspective) which was taking along time (5 months = unintentionally turned out to be 5 parts and thusly five emails..) so part three arrived his first day,which he said made him really happy (which he has said about all the others in the past) I had been asking him every email if I should stop because it made him uncomfortable. So part four and five came to him in the past two days because Ive really needed to get them over with for closure and whatnot. but he never replyed to either of them. And whats worse he never replyed to my msn messages which might have meant he was ignoring me because he was on away. It was really unusual for us to not talk for three days and for him to not respond to those emails so I had thought that he was obviously mad about something I had written in those emails (i added diary entries and other more personal stuff) and that he was being childish and not telling me what was wrong. SO I told him he was ignoring me and I wasnt going to try to email him or message him anymore. He never replyed but continued to mark himself as away but was online on MSN all the time and it drove me crazy to keep staring at his name.

So I told my aunt about this and she explained to me the wonderful way that boys work. that they move on very quickly, they think very logically and they dont understand why girls continue to cling on and over analyze everything. That when they break up with someone.. theyre very nice and say they want to be friends just because they want everything to go smoothly and even if they have every intent of being friends and they care very deeply about you when you’re going out.. that its sort of an out of sight out of mind thing and they no longer want to be friends and think of exs as baggage and dont understand why they dont move on. She said that hes kept me on msn and not blocked me to be nice. I was totally shocked that he would lie like that and that he could just drop me so fast and not want to be friends (my aunt explained that to them.. its not lieine) I was really looking forward to the friendship and I obviously still love him (its been three days.. feelings just dont change) and it hurt so much to realize that i didnt get to hang out with him the week before he left because he said he was busy packing and all the stuff he said about not being able to stand being apart from me completly and really wanting to be close friends..was all not true and gone and he had moved on and now thought of me as some sort of crazy clingy ex girlfriend who hadnt moved on and gotten the message when he hadnt replyed. I was really upset and couldnt believe he wouldnt just come outright and say that because I didnt htink I could get closure unless he did (my aunt told me guys would never come outright and say tthings like that). So I was very very very very hurt and upset yesterday and my world kinda crashed.
So today.. I have this email in my inbox and its him and he said he hasnt been ignoring me, that hes been leaving his computer on this whole time and that hes been extremly busy at Universtiy with frosh week and meeting new people and hasnt had anytime along to himself..in fact he had to kick people out to sleep and to read the emails i wrote to him and that he was still glad to get them but he was too tired and didnt know what to say in response to them but he liked seeing my perspective on the relationship. he asked me how he was and I replyed telling him everything that had happened with thinking he was mad at me, getting mad at him and what my aunt told me and that i was now confused more than every that he emailed me so he should just tell me what he wants to do and not be nice about it. So .. he was completly shocked about all the stuff my aunt said and that that would mean that i thought he lied to me. he was surprised when i thought he was ignoring me adn he wasnt mad at me about those emails
so really.. he was just really busy as far as he knew everything was fine. he really does want to be friends and he asked me how i was and he asked me if i was ok and if i wanted to be friends and of course i did I always did but now I need to get over the shock of thinking hes was ignoring me, thinking he had completly gotten over me and wanted me out of his life, to going back to being normal and being really close friends and staying in touch. the last two perspectives being within 24 hours. So im very happy that we’re friends.. so happy. I was so destroyed last night when I truly believed that what my aunt said was true. We’re going to be friends and I now realize how busy he is and all is good.

very stressful times.. glad I have him in my life again. Not that he ever thought he was gone!

longest-entry-ever

Ill get to see him thanksgiving for Commencement so that seems like the next best time to update whats been going on.