Keep learning about myself

It’s hard to be specific but I seem to have many abnormalities. My trouble at the minute, in fact it seems to be a reoccuring situation, seems to be that I am in a state of constant confusion.
I have studied for counselling certificates a few years ago, have spent time volunteering and am currently volunteering at a charity giving support to survivors of rape or sexual abuse. Alongside this, I have just finished studying for an Access to Higher Education Diploma. This was a year long course and had five seperate subjects intergrated within it. It is specifically designed to lead onto university. However, I was declined from an Occupational Therapy degree. I then went on to apply for a counselling degree, at which I have been placed on the reserve list, meaning I will get a place if others decline theirs.
A problem I have is that I have two cautions on my police record. These are of course spent but I do have to declare them should a workplace require an enhanced CRB. The cautions are for cannabis in 2003 and battery in 2008. That word…battery. It sounds absolutely awful and sounds like I have completely battered the hell out of some one when I infact kicked a bouncer as he had smashed a perfume bottle on my boyfriends head. (Battery is the lowest form of violence, don’t you know).
I just have no idea what to do with my life. I mean, I want a career and I want to enjoy what I do, but then again my partner has supported me for years now, while i was a full time mum and while I have been studying. I feel like it’s my turn to repay him especially since he isn’t really enjoying the work that he does. Do I go into admin/office work for the chance of earning money and having a nicer lifestyle for the children and us or do I carry on studying (albeit a different degree then I had planned) and get a better paid career in the end?
I just feel like I’m completely stuck and it’s driving me mad. I feel like I have made the decision but then it will start swimming round my head again and I can’t settle. I know I should give myself some time to think about things but I feel like I’ve wasted enough time and I have got very little patience with or for myself. I know I want to do something but I have got no idea what.
I may need some unbiased advice :).....

NO, NO, NO!!!!
I was feeling ok earlier. I got up, got the girls ready, took them to school, toddled off to the gym. When I came back I showered, had lunch and sat down to apply for a job that I was interested in. I suppose i started to feel a little low then because it took so long. My friend came round for a quick cuppa before the school run and she felt really low and then I saw another friend at the school who was also down. I came away feeling crap and it just goes to show that bad feelings do can catch.

have experienced a small epiphany today. I had my head full of thoughts chattering away as usual when I noticed that they were all negative. I go around preaching the.power of positively to others and i don’t even have the courtesy to practice what I preach. After doing a little soul searching I wondered if maybe I don’t think I deserve happiness in that each time I feel even the wildest sense of contentment, I allow the.negativity to reappear.
For my own well being I am going to work at pushing the bad thoughts away and hopefully it will become a strong habit engraved into my brain.
I have lived the positively before after The Secret made such a profound impression on me but I suppose I let it gradually slip away. I have to remember that if something is worth it I have to world hard to retain.

I made the choice to be vegetarian because this is where my heart lies.I do not want to spend any more time eating animals. Also, I feel better in myself and I feel healthier. I need to quit quitting on things when it all gets a little difficult. I am a strong woman. I can visit mcDonalds without giving in to a quarterpounder craving. I have given birth to two children, overcame crippling depression, abstained from alcohol for months at a time and I’m sure I can do this!!

which I understood to be a few things eg in the house all day, coffe etc etc. Anyway, I made an effort today. I got up early to meditate, got the girls and myself ready, took them into town on their bikes, visited the library (borrowed Eckhart Tolles ‘A New Earth’ and couple of others), stopped by the park on way home and went back for lunch. We then walked up to Poppy’s speech therapy session and were told that she no longer needs to attend as she is now on par with her age expectations. We then made a treat visit to Mcdonalds.
I turned vegetarian at the turn of the year and I found it a little difficult to sit there without a quarterpounder with cheese in my hand. I’m wondering if it was the right decision to go veggie. It’s something that’s obviously in my head as I’ve tried to do it a few times but sometimes I wonder if I do things to punish myself…does that make sense?? It’s like, all through last year I kept totally banning myself from alcohol. I didn’t have a problem just made myself feel so guilty every time I did drink so I told myself had to quit completely. Then I forced myself to go cold turkey from the anti depressants. I had the feeling that I was somehow cheating at life and it really wasn’t right for me to take them. When I came pff them I had some sort of mild breakdpown and had to go straight back on them.
It’s like it always has to be all or nothing, black and white with no shade of grey. I need to address this.

Feel down tonight but I will learn from it. The reasons for my low mood are being in the house all day so no fresh air or walking time, lack of healthy eating, no gym visit, too much caffeine and not enough water. I seem to return to these days where I’m in pursuit of feeling bad because I’m fully aware what effect these factors will have on me but I still go ahead and do them.must try harder!!

I begin to feel very low when
~I do not exercise regularly
~I do not meditate at least once a day
~I drink too much coffee
~I watch too much TV
~When I don’t eat healthily
~When I spend too much mindless time on internet
~When I don’t get enough sleep
~I get into negative talk

counselling session today. When I first began them, I was feeling really distressed and anxious about everything. I literally couldn’t cope with anything. College was driving me to insanity and leaving me with a crippling self conciousness that took me straight back to my school days. My family life was suffering deeply. I was only communicating through shouts and cries and everything seemed unbearable at the time.
I went to the dr who put me straight back onto anti-d’s. I began counselling aswell. This was about eight or nine weeks ago, so not too long but I honestly look back now and wonder how I managed to get myself into such a state. I felt like I was suffering some sort of breakdown, but I think through experiencing that it has given me a lot of clarity on the measures thta I need to put into place in order to take care of myself. I need to visit the gym regularly, walk often, meditate at least twice a day and I need to allow myself to relax. Another large factor is keeping in touch with my spiritual side and embracing it. Not being put off by people thinking I’m a little strange.
After every counselling session she asks if I want to come back and I always say yes. I like her. She’s on my wavelength and she’s interested in everything I am eg crystals, meditating etc. It’s not often that I find people like that. I’m not sure if I need to keep going though. Is it just because I find her interesting? Although today, I did find myself experiencing another bout of anxiety. My heart was beating very fast and I was shaking a little. It was in my class at college and she did ask me what that may have been about. I dodged the question looking back. Put it down to tiredness but I wonder what it was about? I did forget to take my medication today but it shouldn’t have that much of an effect just a few hours late. But that’s a little worrying because I would like to wean myself off very soon but am worried if I strat returning to those feelings.

I’ve been through a few periods of complete abstinence from alcohol . The main reason being that I became very aware of the negative impact it had on my mind for the rest of the week. But then I started to think it was a little bit punishing to stop myself drinking for good. So I began to have the odd drink and last night I had a few glasses of wine. It’smade me feel in a complete world of my own today though.I’m thinking I shouldn’t drink apart from social outings or maybe I should just quit again.

after a long period of waiting, stressing and wondering I found out that I hadn’t gained entry into university for Occupational Therapy. I was a little down, but I have to believe taht evrything happens for a reason.
Over the last few months I haven’t been completely settled with the idea of Occupation Therapy. It did sound great and really fulfilling, but I suppose I was still evry hung up on counselling since I completed my certificates. Lots of things ahve been entering my life and reminding me about this so yesterday I rang up the counselling degree course and they said I am eligible to apply and I could apply from yesterday…see. I get declined from one uni on the exact day I can apply for counselling. As one door opens….
So I’ve done just that. I’ve sat here, ever sonce I returned back from college, with a bowl of porridge and cup of coffee and I have it all filled in and sent. Feels so good to be on track again.