be kind to myself

a goal on here related to drinking alcohol in the hope that it will stop me from doing it. I don’t drink a lot and by no means every day but there is a worry that i will end up doing just that. I’ve had drink problems in the past, as i think i’ve spoke about on here. My dad has a drink problem as do his family. When i allow myself to drink it’s like my mind is telling me that it is now ok. Other people do so surely i should. If i’ve had a drink then eventually it ends up to me drinking most nights. I become moody and low and there’s the obvious weight gain. Even when i drink, i don’t enjoy it. I spend the whole time feeling frustrated with myself. I’m trying to pinpoint what it is exactly that turns me towards alcohol. I think a big factor is when i’m feeling low about myself and feel low in self esteem. Another factor is when i let myself be talked into it. Maybe not even by other people, just by myself. I start telling myself that it’s strange for me not to drink and i need to make the most of my life.

I don’t feel I was very kind to myself. My friend was round and I asked if she wanted a glass of wine. I didn’t realise she’d already had a pint of Guiness, while smoking weed, so she got quite messy quite quickly. She ended up staying until about midnight and during this time she’d gone to fetch another bottle of wine. Both my children were up late because my friends little girl was here and it’ just not how I roll!!!
I know, I know, I’m boring. I’m often told I’m a little old before my time and asked why I never go out for drinks at night. The thing is I feel I’ve had that time in my life. I find it dull to go and sit in a pub or club and just drink. Plus, alcohol seriously affects my mental well being. I feel down, low and irritable for uo to four days after.
I feel like I’m in the wrong place. I have no friends that are on my wavelength and it just gets a little lonely sometimes. My family say I’m eccentric and strange sometimes. They say my ideas are wacky. The current one is obviously that I have gone vegan, which no one can understand. Also, my mentioning of the meditation retreat that I’m going to tends to get some funny looks.
I just feel I don’t belong here sometimes. I went to Glastonbury town some time last year and it was amazing. The atmosphere was a complete hippy, spiritual vibe and I felt like I’d found home. My partner, always the way, couldn’t stand the place. I hope to go back and stay a couple of nights. I was thinking me and Ella could have a bonding mini holiday, but I wouldn’t want Poppy to feel left out. Poppy would find it boring though. She’s only four and is continuously bouncing off any surrounding wall she can find. I’ll see how it goes.

I feel like I may be being a bit mean to myself again. I’m feeling blue just lately and it’s because I haven’t been doing what I should be to look after myself. I go into self destruct mode where I don’t think the little things matter and I can’t be bothered, but a little effort goes a long way.
It feels like I get somewhere with things and I feel happier and content with my life and myself but then slowly I’ll slip down into the trenches of depair again. Why does it keep reoccurring? I need to be nice to myslef and recognise the signs of despair when they show themselves.

I’d be kind to myself and have pancakes for lunch with my two girls. I now realise I was being mean as I feel very nauseous. I had to overdo it, didn’t I??!! I plan to just have some porridge and fruit for tea though so I can even it out a little.

this is a very thought provoking goal. It helps me to distinguish between things that I should do and need to do. I spend too much time rushing about on my own made up deadlines. I invent these time barriers for myself, making it impossible to sit back and look at the world around me. I often think to myself how I will stop putting so much un needed strain on my mind and just allow myself to be in the moment. I need to spend more time with, properly with my daughters before they don’t want me around anymore. Insignificant things weigh me down and I adhere to them and let them envelop me but I need to be strong with myself and my mental capacity. I need to question my priorities continuously until I make the right decisions naturally without constant scrutiny.

Swimming day. It was nice to have a slow swim rather then a gym visit today. I only learnt to swim late last year and it’s something that I never thought I’d do so I’m going to embrace the water.

I was kind. I paid the long lost gym a visit, had the best jacket potato in the world, drank copious amounts of green tea and had a spinach smoothie for good measure. I feel fine once again and all is good in the world. I need to make it a priority to myself to look after me.
Right, I’m off to meditate…..

tonight at college and I’m sat there hating every minute of it. There are a couple of outspoken girls in there and the lesson always tends to veer off in all directions other then the actual subject of English. So it drags and drags….
Plus tonight everyone was slagging off this other student. She is a foreign student and she is also quite outspoken but the way people were talking about her and the tutor was just going along with everything. I just found it really uncomfortable. And I’m sat in ther wondering why I am not participating in the chat but I’m glad I didn’t. The tutor is also very religious and is a church minister so I wouldn’t expect it from her. I thought she might be a bit more accepting of people.
Apart from that though, I didn’t really participate in the class much again. But as I got home I thought to myself, why aren’t I just enjoying it? Here I am, yet again willing time to pass by a lot quicker, instead of just being in the moment and taking everything as it comes. I need to self talk a little more often. Sometimes I ifnd myself slipping back into my old negative thinking patterns and no good will ever come out of that.

I can see just how mean I’ve been treating myself. I have given myself constant criticisms and self hate chatter, so it really is no wonder why I disliked myself so much. As I’m reaching my thirties (that is so strange!!) I’m becoming a lot more selfaware and more understanding of me. I am not continuously fighting myself and my inner demons are beginning to back down to a more placid way of being. I definatley feel a lot calmer and more peaceful with myself just recently. It beats the drowning feeling of depression any day.