Beat my depression

my depression returning it usually begins in the time that i wake up during the night. I always notice there is a sense of complete emptiness and confusion, wondering what the point of snything is. I’m not sure why it tends to return at these points. Maybe it’s the silence and stillness, giving my mind nothing else todwell over.
Last night was one of those times. I feel low and empty, however I am ready to remind myself of the coping strategies i’ve learnt. Maybe it’s just a bad day. I feel like a day alone would sort me out but my daughters will wake up soon, full of life and excitement. I’ll use this quiet time for meditation and see if that aids the low ebb.

I’m feeling worthless and crappy and i’m really getting sick of it. I think a reoccurring theme is the fact that i have no job. I’ve been studying for the last year and am now supposed to be starting a counselling degree in October. Now i’m wondering whether this is what i want. The jobs that i go for always require a CRB chrck, which will show up my two police cautions. They are for nothing serious and were from a number of years ago but are still a blemish on my record. I volunteer in a rape and sexual abuse counselling agency which i really enjoy and they don’t have any problem with my cautions but they obviously don’t pay me.
I’m just feeling so blah blah blah about everything. I’m fed up of not having my own money and having to say no to the girls.

I dropped in to my friends house and had a glass of red wine. After i’d eaten i followed up with 2 bottles of Kopperberg. Today i woke up feelubg really shitty and irritable and i’ve been awful all day. I know i don’t react well to alcohol. I’m fully aware that i shouldn’t drink. But last night i felt a little self destructive. I admit it wasn’t that much that i drank but even a small amount doesn’t work well on me. My Dad has a drink problem so i’m very wary of thst and i’m also wary of my addictive personality. I have had drink issues in the past and i never want to return to that but i do understand how easy it would be to revert.
I’m very happy without drink in my life but what i find difficult is continuing with this when i feel like shit. I think i need to tske one day at a time and believe in myself more.

taking the 10 mg citalopram but i’m getting closer to the time of maybe coming off them. Things seem a lot easier to handlw and although i have bad days, i also have the good days too.

is my new reading material. I had already read his second book ‘The New Earth’ which i really enjoyed and had been meaning to get his first book for a while. I was in town a couple of weeks ago when i spotted it in a cldiscount book shop so i.snapped it up.
I feel a bit pike i’ve been ‘Buddhismed’ out with all the books i’ve been reading about that so I feel like i need a bit of a change. Buddhism makes me feel constantly guilty in the respect that i’d like to live in that ideal perfect way but find it difficult to.live up.to my own expectations.
Eckhart Tolle talks about living in the moment, which relates to the mindfulness of Buddhism. He explains the drastic and wonderful change that took place in him when he was 29 years old and describes that change as the best thing that ever happened to him. Before this he suffered from deep depression and anxiety and often found life very difficult. A

I didn’t realise how long I’d been away for. Not sure why I’ve stayed away really. Maybe a mixture of things. I tend to go into my own little bubble when I reach a low point and allow myself to float away into my own misery so it’s difficult to be able to sit down and write what I feel. I was also very busy with college, but it’s all done with now and I feel like I ‘ve reached a new point in my depression.
After a couple of months with my counsellor and numerous amounts of self help books, it finally dawned on me that people do have bad days and those bad days will usually always crop up, but along with these come the good days. The days when nothing seems as bad as you thought and life is good and everything you hoped for. It all balances out somehow. If I woke up feeling crappy, I would spend the whole day analysing things and wondering when my depression is going to leave me. Just recently, however, I’ve been more accepting of the sadness and irritability and I have to admit it is a lot easier and less stressful.
I found out that I have been put onto the reserve list for the counselling degree that I want to do. It was a little down heartening, but I have to see the positive that at least I haven’t been completely refused and there is always next year.
I also applied for a job that I really thought sounded perfect but found out last week that I didn’t get it. That got me a little low as I started focusing on all the rejection I seemed to have had just lately. However, I have had some wonderful feedback from him, which I have thanked him for and he has given me sime good advice.
So, anyway, I’m returning to 43 things. It gives me a place to vent and air my happiness or sadness, depending on how things are that particular day. I really missed reading everyone else’s inspiring posts as well. They make me realsie that I need to stop being so bloody selfish with the thoughts that I am the only one going through certain situations. My life is fine and I have so many things to be grateful for.