control my depression

I’m now graduated from college with a Bachelor’s Degree, immediately (and luckily) got a full time secured job that is in the field I studied for, living on my own and supporting myself without having any ties from my family from controlling my life (especially my dad), taking up new hobbies like rock climbing, trying to be positive, searching for things to do so I won’t get bored, and working hard to make sure I save up to travel around the world…

Seems like I shouldn’t really be depressed right?

Something is still missing… even though it seems like I have everything already, I still feel empty….I don’t have a boyfriend, but I’m okay being single…though it would be nice… and I still have my mom in the hospital and it will be 10 years since she’s been bedridden… that’s a life long process to heal from.

i’m spiraling out of control… i’m losing myself…i can’t get out… it’s miserable here… don’t know what to do…

=(

within 48 hours…i have gotten heartbroken by 2 different guys. one who i dated not too long still has feelings for a girl who left to germany and actually thought marrying her one day… then my ex-bf since late april email me once again saying that he is now engaged with a girl who he as known for 3 years and who is actually a little younger than i am and also had my so-called “best friend” from 2nd grade help him pick out an engagement ring… then just recently…the guy i dated that like the german girl…came out quite shocking to be in my suite dorm because he started liking one of my suitemates and actually already invited her to a concert in the following week…

what am i going to do? im going crazy here. why are guys so mean? too much to take in…my heart hurts…

sometimes i miss high school dances…i love to dance… it is one of the few things that helps me forget the stress…

i sometimes go to dance clubs around the l.a. area…but there are some clubs that i liked going that closed… im looking for 18+ and 21+ clubs (hip-hop, lounge, salsa, etc)... any one have any recommendations around l.a.? I also want to take some friends who never ever went to one before…so someone help me out please?

thanks! ^_

for the first time in a long time…i finally had a genuine smile…a smile of content, as if i had not been depressed… on friday, a close guy friend from where i’m currently living (kinda have a crush on) called to see what i was doing. he wanted to hang out with me so we just took a drive down to hunington beach and walked around through the little farmer’s and crafts market to see what they have (it was windy however it did not bother us much). at the market, he bought me a little bouquet of my favorite flower – stargazer lilies. ^_ that is when i smiled…of course he saw it.. he knew it would make me happy which made him happy. after that, we laid out at the windy beach for about 40 minutes then went back to his place and went swimming in his pool until i had to go. i wish i could stay longer, but i had to go to a dinner meeting to macaroni grill. good thing though, the dinner meeting didnt last too long, i got out around 930pm. i didnt feel like going home yet so i gave him a call since i knew he was gonna be home alone (the rest of our friends were out of town and his roommate too). we ended up watching the addams family and anchorman movies at his place while we stretched out on his couch under his blanket… it was nice…i missed that closeness … after the movies we just hung out and talked for hours…eventually ended up sleeping over… it was nice… (we didnt do anything sexual however.) but i fell asleep with content…

that’s something i havent felt in a long time…

today i finally set up an appointment at the CAPS in school… my first intake is this wednesday…

Today, boyfriend broke up… sigh

... help me…

I’ve known that I’ve been depressed ever since I started junior high (at least that’s what I think). About the time my mom went to the hospital as well as being raised by a stubborn father. By the time I graduated high school… I thought I was fine until I broke up with my 3rd bf of 3 months (this was the only time I ever felt depressed because of him – only once my depression was about a boy). He was my first (if you know what I mean). The week that he broke up with me (bad terms), a good friend of mine who was on her way back with her youth group from a retreat… die instantly in a car crash. This was around the holidays. Then few months later, my mom went under cardiac arrest when a nurse found her not breathing – they ressucitated her. It felt she will never come back. That didn’t help my depression at all. However, with the help of my cousin, of who I call “sis” helped guide me to God. It helped a lot… and I thought I was finally out of my depression.

Now, I’ve realized that all this time I thought I had gotten over it… I really did not. I realized that I’m manic depressive…