cry

...to cry. I don’t have a room anymore because I sleep in the living room. I can only be alone for a couple of hours if I am lucky. I can’t cry in front of my family because they annoy me even more – same as my friends. It’s people everywhere. I just want to be alone – quiet so I can think or cry. I really need to cry nonstop. Did I ever mention I love to be left alone 90% of the time?

I almost cried at work today. There was no student in the room. I was talking to a teacher from a different room, two IAs, and two interns. It is very hard to respond to their questions and possibly concerns. It was hard for me to go back to the classroom and let reality hit me in the face full blow again and again – every single time someone asked me about my plan. They can’t help me. I felt thankful when the first couple people said they wished they could help or do something. After that, I have been feeling bitter when people say that.

..and am still crying…

I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

I want to let it all go…I tried and am still trying. It’s really hard when all those memories keep coming back…(PTSD)

I just realized why I choose to be a special education teacher. I was volunteering in a classroom. There were two little kids. Their teacher always asked me to help them because she had no idea how to work them. She is a nice person but she just doesn’t have the skill to work with them. I was resentful at first because I didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t even in a teaching program yet. After a day or two, I started to be drawn to these two kids. They needed assistance and their teacher was so busy with other kids that they just sat in their seats and be frustrated. I volunteered at that classroom for six months. I changed my application to special education from (general) elementary after 5 days in that classroom. I saw the sadness in those two kids’ eyes, I decided I need to learn how to help them. Now I realized when I saw into their eyes, I saw me as a kid. I didn’t have a disability unless you count emotional problems. I was isolated by my teachers from other kids. My teachers adviced other parents not to let their kids play with me – one of the parents told me while she was holding her kid away from me. I don’t know why my teachers made that decision….

...to cry…but I can’t. Somehow my body just won’t let me do it. Instead, I’m having fluent headache again. WTF?