save my marriage

My husband quit drinking at the beginning of the summer and has stuck with it. He realized that I was leaving if he didn’t do something drastic. My concern now is that he seems depressed. He doesn’t want to go to AA meetings anymore (his excuse is that they preach too much about god). I can’t make him go, even though I wish he would. All I can do is focus on myself.

We went for breakfast alone together yesterday. It was very nice and relaxing. I would like to do this more often. When we spend more time alone we seem to get along better. Hmmm imagine that.

My husband and I are going away for 2 days together. It will be good to spend some time alone and rejuvenate.

Our 16th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I would like to go away somewhere overnight even if just a short distance. I am thinking about surprising him by making plans and then just going.

My husband and I got along pretty well over the Christmas period. He put some thought into the presents he bought me and he really seemed to like what I got him. We butted heads a few times but no real arguments. It was definitely one of our best Christmases. I am grateful for that.

We have 2 children with Dec. birthdays which adds to the usual holiday financial strains. (Yeah we were not great planners with that one) My husband also lost a brother on Christmas in 1993. There is significant emotional baggage there. I try to consider these things as I navigate December’s murky waters. It doesn’t make it easy though.

Earlier this week there was another argument that would have continued had I not had to go to work. I hate fighting. I am going to find another counselor to work with our family. I’m not done with this yet. He says he misses me when I work at night. I can see his point of view on that. Maybe this is still some hope. I told him we could do something alone together this weekend – see a movie or something.

I am on the verge of giving up. The pressure of having to move in short order is causing my husband to be more neurotic than usual. We had an argument today that ended poorly. I’ve been on the fence for several months. Now I feel that he is pushing me toward the decision to go our separate ways. As I told him, all I want is no more fighting….Peace. If I have to leave to achieve that, then I have to leave.

I was on the quiet and reflective side. He always tends to interpret this as bitchiness, as if I am doing it just to make him mad. Sometimes these moods are related to him and sometimes they’re not. In a roundabout way everything is related, I suppose. However, my happiness or unhappiness on a given day is not always directly correlated to the state of my marriage. Argh.

He says, “I don’t want to lose you.” Then he points out that he made me dinner yesterday (which is true) and that he has been relatively pleasant to be around for the last few days (which is also true).

My memory jumps back to last week when he was arguing with our son and to his other habits which I find unacceptable. I don’t mention these things because bringing up the past or anything negative tends to lead to an argument. To be honest, I don’t have it in me to argue today. I let it lie.

In my heart I know I can’t wait around forever for this drastic change. I want to believe it can happen…but time and again it hasn’t.

I don’t know sometimes whether to stay or go. My opinion changes so frequently. On our trip we had a couple of rather large disputes. I felt that I really couldn’t stand being married to him anymore. But there were some tender moments there as well. Thus is the paradox of this marriage.

We had lunch together the other day and that was nice and “normal”. Then he continues with certain self-destructive tendencies and I want to scream. I have to work through this and make a decision.