loosen up

sometimes it’s better to be fun than to be cool

Just do it. :P

I’m finding that a lot of things in life are harder to think about doing than to actually do. Funny how that works.

Empathize more. Internalize less. Need to show more interest in what others have to say, and follow my own random train of thought less. That train isn’t going anywhere. I genuinely try to be a nice guy, so it bugs me that I come off as rude or disinterested more than I mean to. This is something I need to work on. And hopefully the more I stop overthinking, the better I’ll get at having more enthusiasm for things and taking risks. As I said before though, this should all start with getting out more. I’m gonna be too busy to overthink everything to death. I’m comfortable with my level of thought; I need to start doing now.

The more people I’m around, the easier this will get. That’s what it comes down to. Immersion. I’ve got some ideas along those lines.

I’ve been thinking more about my inability to stop overthinking everything, loosen up, and just have fun. This is what normal people do all the time, and it’s a mode of thought I haven’t quite unlocked in my own psyche. I have however been scrutinizing myself and trying to determine why that is. And the best answer I can come up with is that I’m simply too focused on my flaws and mistakes, however small.

It’s not that I loathe everything about myself. My essential being, my emotions, intellect, my abilities to analyze, perceive, feel and comprehend… basically, my consciousness, I’m fairly secure in. I’m satisfied with who I am in my own head, perhaps even too satisfied.

But for some reason I hone in on every little thing I find wrong with myself, and beat myself to death with it mentally. I have my flaws meticulously cataloged as things I need to correct about myself, and I review them on a regular basis. Half of my 43T list is just flaws I want to correct. And the list goes on and on, from the smallest mundane detail to major missed life experiences. Basically anything that makes me less than the person I should be. Oh, also, over-analyzes own flaws? That’s a flaw too.

And it extends to my interactions with other people. Especially there, in fact, as I want them to see that image of who I want to be. I can’t bear the thought of anyone thinking I’m lame, and I don’t know why. Mentally I review everything I say before, after and while I’m saying it. I try to make every word out of my mouth embody what my personal ideal should sound like. I always have to be witty, insightful and deep, because that’s the standard I hold myself to. I rarely am though, and so end up leaving awkward silences most of the time. The notion of attempting a joke that falls flat is horrifying to me. Even when I make a small mistake like calling someone by the wrong name or otherwise misspeaking, I mentally replay it for hours after. Every time I attempt to engage other people and feel like I’m ignored, I review what I did and ask myself where I went wrong.

I manage to avoid lapsing into serious self-loathing by believing in my ability to be that ideal in my head, and approaching my shortcomings logically, as imperfections to be fixed. I’m just too self-aware, I suppose. That’s just the standard I hold myself to. I need to be perfect all the time, and I’m not, and it annoys me. And I don’t know how to be okay with that.

So I was reading an article about this. Not so much about how to loosen up, but just kind of examining the concept. It talked about how people get into a sort of carefree, fun-having mode. And it occurs to me- I never do that. I’m always stuck in cerebral, low-key mode. I’m somehow incapable of just letting go and enjoying life, and that’s the whole trouble.

It gets worse, though, because I’ve built up this attitude of pretension and disdain toward that attitude and mode of thought. And I don’t want to; I normally try to be such a nice person. I don’t want to think I’m better than anybody. Logically, I know I’m not. It’s a defense mechanism. I just look down on activities I’m too afraid to participate in to avoid facing my own insecurity. I look down on activities like dancing and drinking not because they’re the recourse of minds not as deep or evolved as mine, or any bullshit like that. It’s because I can’t stomach them or in any way acting at all ‘silly’ because I’m more afraid of embarrassment than death. It’s a completely automatic reaction, too, like when I yell and duck and run around bees. I constantly feel like I’m being judged and watched, and the thought of acting like an idiot just for fun fills me with revulsion and near-terror.

I’m able to recognize these feelings as the workings of my psyche, and quantify them. What I can’t quite do yet is explain it all. What makes me this way? I feel like it’s right on the edge of my mind; there has to be a root to it all. If I could just understand the problem, the reason, maybe I could correct myself. I know just trying to force myself to change who I am never works, because I like too much of who I am.

Wow, that was a lot of words. I think I’m going to bed now. The answer isn’t forthcoming.

This is really what it comes down to. I’ve got to learn to live with a little less worrying and a little more confidence in my daily life. If that doesn’t change, nothing will really change. But I don’t think actively pursuing it is the answer; I’ll just get frustrated. But I’m trying to expose myself to more, pursue my other goals, live more of life instead of letting it pass me by while I sit in my cubicle. And I’m trying to keep in mind, when I find myself teetering on whether or not to do something, I need to just go ahead and do it and stop overthinking. I’m finding that I rarely regret it.