stop gambling

......to gamble yesterday. I had some money in my account that i am supposed to be putting towards debts. It had been in there at least 4 days before the thought to gamble it came into my mind. On the plus side, i’m glad it took me 4 days before i thought to gamble, it means the urge may be subsiding.

On the negative side, the feeling i had was that i could gamble the money and double it on the days races. I thought about it for at least 30 min’s before I left my computer and went and cooked some lunch instead.

I suppose the message there is that if and when i get the urge again, i should move away and do something else.

...and I haven’t gambled a penny.

I’ve found the best possible deterrent when i get the urge to gamble is remembering how much i’ve lost over the years and trying to picture that money sitting on a table in front of me. It makes me sick at the thought. What could i have achieved with that money ? where would i be ?

I started to develop a serious gambling problem in 2003 – In the 6 years that have passed I’ve managed to lose most of my salary and savings along with money my parents have lent me. Horse racing was the bane of my existence – I gambled, then chased my losses. I won some, but i lost more. Then online poker took its grip – Once again my losses far outweighed my winnings.

The shame of it alone is enough to drive a man to the edge – Many times i felt like taking a leap off that edge but i reminded myself it was the weaker option. Standing up and being accountable and resposible for the damage i’ve caused myself and others, is the only way i will find peace.

So, after six years, i am back at the beginning again. Unemployed, barely a penny to my name, living with my parents and a stack of debts to pay off.

From here, I am at the bottom looking up. In spite of my situation i am reminded of the words of Frederick Langbridge:

“Two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars.”