stop drinking

i was able to continue with the sobriety. its been 2 days now. thing is that ive been having trouble sleeping. im hoping that its just psychological and that it will subside after a while. the weekend is coming up and normally i would be …. scared, for lack of better word. but now im confident though that i can stay sober. there are things that are more important than getting drunk and thats what i have to focus on.

i was still allowing to continue on the downward spiral until the other night. i was drinking with a few friends when my brother called up and said he was in the area so i told him to come join us. he ended up staying with me til like 2 am. i convinced him to stay even though i knew he had class the next day. the next day i realized that i cant allow this to happen. its not only affecting me, but im teaching my brother the wrong things. i cant let me fall into this trap. that was 2 nights ago. last night i didnt have a single sip of alcohol nor was i the least bit tempted. every time i came close to wanting a drink, thoughts of me destroying my brother’s life came into my mind. that quickly brought me back to reality. i cant be my brother’s keeper when im too damn drunk.

another weekend has come and gone and it was a total disaster. i did have a great time cause my friends and i went on a roadtrip but still, i drank a lot. it seems that alcohol is the common denomenator when it comes to entertainment. in the city, out of the city its alcohol.

i also heard some bad news earlier in the day which has made things worse for me. now i just feel like i want a drink to deal with everything that’s happening. the problem is that more of these things started happening when i started drinking.

its a vicious cycle thats ruining me yet i cant seem to break the cycle. things have just been getting worse and worse and it really sucks. my life is collapsing and crumbling before me and im not doing anything to stop it.

The weekend just finished, my first big test. And well, I failed. Ugh. I don’t want to beat myself up cause it’s not going to help. On the plus side, I did however manage not to drink as much as I used to. It may be baby steps but steps forward still. I think that probably taking a vacation could do the trick. Be gone for a couple of weeks somewhere where I can’t get access to alcohol. That might do the trick.

im a borderline alcoholic, no, i guess i probably would be defined as an alcoholic. its a question of definition really. but yeah, i am an alcoholic. plain and simple. im typing these words and im intoxicated, yeah, i guess that would make for an alcoholic. that and the fact that i had minor surgery earlier today and instead of taking antibiotics, i chose to drink alcohol. yeah, that means im pretty screwed up. honestly, i have reached the bottom and im sick of it. i dont want to be this way but im here.

i can give the best excuses as to why i have gotten to this point but thats all crap. i screwed up, i let it get this way, i did it to myself. and i even have to get intoxicated just to let it all out. how sad is that? it has to stop now.