feel the fear and do it anyway

I usually take the bus to and from work. On Friday, I took the train back. Yes, it’s not super big, but I’ve never taken the train before and there’s always that nervousness when you’re about to do something new. (In this case it was taking the subway to the right stop, making sure I bought the right ticket, getting on the right train, getting off at the right stop)

So I was nervous, the train is a little more expensive, and I thought that even if it was a disaster, then next time I would definitely know how to do it. And it turned out it was totally fine, everything went great!

I had an episode of “feel the fear and do it anyways” today at work. It involved being asked to do something that I’m totally unfamiliar with. I thought to myself, “what would a totally confident person do in this situation?” – do it and not be afraid of looking stupid. So I did! (OK, so it’s not anything life-changing, but I think it tells me that I don’t have to be nervous or afraid of small things, I can just run right through them).

I went on a retreat last weekend back at college, and normally I would avoid them, because I get really nervous around people and I hated college. But it was for people trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives, and I was all for that. Still, I was really, really nervous going into it.

I just told myself to keep talking to other people, and whenever I felt self-conscious I just told that little voice in my head to shut up, because I’ve listened to it before and it’s gotten me nowhere. And you know what? The whole weekend ended up fine, I learned a lot about other people’s careers, and learned that even though we’re in different career stages, we’re all struggling with the same questions, we’re all trying to figure it out.

A couple of years ago I was aboard a giant cruise ship. It was night, I was alone, looking out onto the frigid ocean, and I was a thousand miles from home.

Part of me wanted to jump, and if I did, it would have ended quickly. In that instant, my brain froze, I imagined what life would be like without me from that point onward.

I didn’t do it, obviously. If I did, none of what I’ve done since then would have happened – I would never have returned to finish my senior year, I would never had gotten my second chance at the marathon, I would never had come to appreciate life as I do now. None of the people I’ve met since then would have met me.

But I knew what I was scared of – I was scared of this moment, scared of not being able to find a job, of not having any friends, of not having a direction in life. I was so scared that I was willing to end it – all.

So if I can do this, if I can overcome what I’m feeling and what’s happening right now, then it’ll be the most courageous thing I’ve ever done.

But just by being here, I’m facing part of my fear and given myself a new chance at life.

I dyed it blue about a week ago. I don’t know if I would have done it a year ago, and although I don’t feel any different, maybe something about me has changed.

My parents didn’t approve, but I did it anyway. It felt great to do something for myself, and not care about other people’s opinions. And I really don’t care if it fades to blue/green, or that I missed a few spots in the back, so it looks a little ragged. All I know is, I look a thousand times cooler with blue hair when I look in the mirror in the morning. And I could care less what other people think of my hair.

I think as we grow older we build up more inhibitions about life. There’s so much pressure to take the next step- to do well in school, and get a successful job. I know I’m facing a lot of pressure to go to grad school and then become a corporate slave and work until I die.

I’m kidding (a little), but I do think people build up preconceived notions of what is right and wrong, the right way to do things and the wrong way. We’re all somewhat judgemental of others, but what I want to do is to break inhibitions, to be absolutely fearless—because people who believe what is not possible know nothing about what actually is possible.

Too often we’re driven by fear—fear of what other people say, or don’t say, or even what they think. Sometimes, we’re our own worst enemy, and our own thoughts can make us back down. It’s too bad we’re often bound by fear, when we could be driven by courage, love, compassion and confidence.

Sometimes, it’s just a matter of realizing that fear is nothing, it’s just an idea, something constructed out of thin air, it’s not even something concrete and real. For me, that makes it easier to deal with, so I can get up and do what needs to be done.

An appartment on the street is burning. One guy has no concept of the danger involved and goes in to save people trapped inside. Another guy is scared out of his mind, but he rushes in anyway.

Maybe that’s what courage is all about. Having no idea of what’s out there, what’s going to happen to you, and being petrified, and then saying, “screw it, I’m going in.”