stop being so sad

I’m in one of these moods again. I just want to live passionately, I feel like I have so much energy inside, but no where for it to go. I think it’s because I’m so isolated, I have this crap job and I live a lonely life.

I’ve tried penpals, I know it’s not a substitute for real people, but I’m not really in a place where I can meet people easily. And sometimes I think the penpals are working, and sometimes…it’s not. I always feel like I’m the one pursuing, I know I just need to be myself, but it happens quite a bit, and I feel like…what do people want in me? I’m trying so hard, it’s just that life is so difficult.

I’m feeling lonely today. This isn’t good. I never know what to do when this happens.

Maybe a month ago, I wrote that my grandmother was in a coma in the hospital. The bad news is that she died two weeks ago.

I was never that close to her. She lived on the other side of the world, didn’t really speak English. Still, it makes me sad because I’ll never really understand death. It’s always surprising, it’s always shocking, it doesn’t make it any easier if the person was old. You never get used to it. It makes me sad that someone lost their life and a couple of days later, we move on, just like that.

I’ll never get used to it.

Lately, things haven’t been so good lately. My dog was diagnosed with cancer and my family refused to treat him due to the cost and his age. But I couldn’t not do anything, so I’ve been taking him to treatment and paying for all the expenses.

My grandmother fell into a coma last week. She’s in the hospital. She lives oversees, half a world away, and there’s not much we can do for her here, except hang onto hope.

I’m still stuck at my dead-end temp job, it’s boring, it doesn’t pay well, and I’m tired of being treated badly. But no one quits without a plan, and right now I don’t have one.

I could feel myself sinking, who wouldn’t give the circumstances? I called a hotline, I tried a site for penpals – just wanted to do something other than be alone. But that’s all temporary help, I wish I could get something or someone more permenant.

Luckily, it has gotten better, sort-of. My dog’s prognosis has been positive, his cancer has been receding, and my grandmother responded to drugs and regained some consciousness yesterday. So this week I still feel sad…just trying to keep things together…

Last week, I was given some bad news. I got an email from my former high school track/cross-country coach. One of my high school classmates had died of a heart attack, playing soccer.

He was 22 years old, and I felt devastated that someone I had known since elementary school, someone that I had seen every day at track and cross-country, would die. Of a heart attack. He was our captain, one of our greatest runners, and one of the top students in our class.

It’s such a tragedy, because you never expect freak accidents like these to happen in real life, only in the movies. I went to his funeral services last week, and I realized something—you can mourn, but you’ll never forget.