feel sexy

i changed “feel good about my body” to “feel sexy”, because right now i look in the mirror and im like, eh, whatever. im a glass half full kinda girl, and that shouldnt be good enough.

i remember this one time about two years ago me and my boyfriend and a bunch of our friends were at this random block party. in retrospect we kind of crashed it. and my boyfriend was texting this guy and the guy said
“Whats new?”
“I’m going out with (my nickname)”
“Who?”
“(my full name)”
“are you serious???”
“yes?”
(and im going to spell this last one perfectly right because i remember, because i was standing next to him looking at his cell phone)”dude shes one of the ugliest fucks ive ever seen”

and then i was really quiet.

and all of his friends started going oh man were gonna fuck him up thats not cool were gonna fuck him up.

i dont care now, but then it made me feel so horrible.

i know im not fat. and by know i mean, i am pretty sure.

im 5’7” and i weigh about 135, maybe a little more, 34-27-36. size 6. so all those numbers are okay, but i feel like my thighs could smother a small child. its sorta the way im built, you know when women have really weird bodies and you see them and go, oh thats really too bad.

if the normal proportion of upper body to lower body is 1:1, mine would be 3:4. not enough so im disfigured or anything, buts its just one more thing (thin hair, small boobs, acne) to be insecure about when youre leafing through vogue.

i wear really expensive jeans. i geuss that helps.

ive lost weight, ive gained weight, ive turned most of my fat into muscle, then lost that, ive gone entire summers without putting on a bathing suit and ive worn teensy bikinis. i mean im halfway there: i recognize that you cant acchieve perfection in your body without nearly killing yourself on the way… but i cant be satisfied when i feel so pale in comparison to gorgeous girls who seem to be, effortlessly, everywhere.