face my fears

i did my 7th step. my higher power has allowed me to move through the fear…

=)

i can’t enroll in a fire academy because I don’t have a car!
i can’t get a car because i won’t be able to pay my bills!
i can’t lose my job because i won’t be able to pay any bills!
i can’t do anything because i don’t have the money!

(fear-based responses/thoughts)

does growing up as a fear count? how do i face it? i have to pay my student loans soon. i have $12,000 worth of loans. as an alcoholic… my brain is telling me that i either should resort back to childhood, move in with my mom, and claim insanity (to get out of growing up). or just shoot myself.
“there is no way that i can pay them back! how do they expect ME to get a job and pay them back? i’m not good enough to get a job that pays worth a damn! no one will hire me! i’ll suck at it! i’ll get fired. i’ll starve to death. i’ll have to start using again. i’ll stop goingto meetings to get enough work time in. i see that someone else is doin it but that doesn’t mean I can do it! i’m different! I’m a loser, baby! no one understands how hard it is to be me! I suck at life. I give up” ~My alcholic brain.
man, i’m fucked.

1) going back to college
a) applying for financial aid
b) getting turned down
c) applying to colleges
d) getting turned away
e) deciding what I want to study

2) getting a job at a gym
a) getting denied

3) staying at current job
a) being fired/discriminated/harassed/disliked, etc.
b) being happy there

4) eating
a) accidentally eating an animal by-product. *I did it today and last night. i forgot to check my cinnamon raisin bread. it’s got non fat milk in it. =( *

5) dating
a) rejection

... i’m scared that i’m going to “mess” someone up.. or that i’m going to do something wrong… essentially that I won’t be perfect. which is odd.. because experience tells me that i am, in fact, not perfect!

=P

yikes!
So i just applied for a loan online to take the paramedic class… That’s facing a fear. doing something with my life that i actually want vs. just working in a coffee shop.
i’ll find out within 24 hours if i got approved or denied. then from there i have to go to the school, sign some stuff, give them copies of stuff… and…. pee my pants cuz i’ll be so scared of doing something!!! :-)

sigh
but i have to remember that everything that happens is for my own betterment and i have to trust my higher power

if i DON’T get the loan, it happened for a reason. I don’t have to like it, or accept it. I just have to deal with it.

to do, or not to do.. THAT is the question!

Lazy=Fear… For some reason, I avoid doing things (lazy) because i’m scared (fear).

Fears I have identified/reasons/etc.
When I eat a lot at work, i’m being lazy, because i’m scared that I’ll do a good job and get rewarded.
When I don’t exercise, I fear that I’ll achieve my weight/look goal and then have nothing to strive for.
When I don’t talk to people, I’m scared of getting close/hurt/etc.
When I procrastinate my daily activities or slack on them, I’m fearful of being better.
When I let myself fall into depression, I’m scared of being happy.
When I start a project and don’t finish it, I’m scared of achieving things, and of being done.
When I don’t start something, I’m afraid of achieving it.
and when I start something and finish it, I never think I did it well enough.