be gentle with myself

be gentle with others… i’m learning! but i’m pretty clumsy with this one…

• the gorgeous bright red sunset over the bay tonight

• the lovely sound of the joyous voices singing at a big, huge jewish wedding up the street in the rose garden

• watching my son do archery with such skill ^{and that I was not too afraid to stand up to his archery teacher and tell him that I would prefer him to treat my son with more gentleness, even when he told me we shouldn’t come back because he didn’t like to be criticized like that}

• the huge smile on my son’s face when I told him what he could have for dinner

• taking a walk with the dogs

• my friend J who always checks in on me

I am not gentle with myself. I want to be but I am not. I am hard on myself and hateful towards myself.

even more important than letting go though is not allowing myself to be hard on myself, nor to second guess what has happened here. i want to commit to being gentle with myself through this and stop the screechy voice in my head, mimmicking them, telling me how much i deserve this.

having one of those lousy sad days, feeling like a loser, being super-hard on myself, feeling like i should be better, more, feeling not good enough. i wish i could find the gentleness for myself that i give to others.

today i do not feel like i belong, not anywhere. if i could be gentle with myself i’d know that i always belong, that everyone does. but i can’t even be gentle with myself about my lack of gentlesness for myself.

I think I took care of myself today in a substantial and quite meaningful way. It was hard what I did, and sad. But in the doing there was deep care for what is comfortable for me, an honoring of who I am and what I need… what hurts and what brings pleasure… It felt good to remember who I am and to be gentle with myself.

In meditation I can hear how not gentle I am with myself and I am surprised by it. But meditation is the place where I feel most comfortable giving to myself, indulging myself, being sweet to myself. It’s harder for me to have that awareness at other times, but I have the intention to do so, so hopefully the waking gentless will come too.