Lose 20 pounds

I just came back to this site, looking over what I’ve written and whatnot. For a year, this place was pretty much left and forgotten on my part. Anyway, so I was reading… And I saw at different points in my life… There was like 185 as a middle-schooler, then during highschool—(I’m about 5’6)- 170s, I still remember 163 feeling like an accomplished day, being jaw-dropped amazed at 155. And I revised this goal at 158 so that by the time I was done, I would be good and right and happy by 138. Since that happened, weight fluctuated. Gains and whatnot.

Skipping quite a few details, this last december, I DID hit that 138 mark day. But I believe I had lost a good deal of muscle mass then. And I believe I hadn’t eaten for a few days. I was pretty smug-feeling for a while… I had started out healthy enough. Then things got fuzzy. Then it was just cutting calories down. Then more cutting. Then more. Until it was… just maybe a small snack and dinner. Or just some dinner. Or nothing. For a couple days. Or else, eating… and then seeing it again in the bathroom right after.

Headaches set it. Fuzzy thoughts. Seeing spots in my eyes. You know that feeling when you stand up too fast? I’d have that quite a bit, no matter if I was standing or sitting. Having to walk down the school halls, leaning on a wall. I was a straight A-student, but then this happened. Senior year. It was all I could focus on. For the first semeister of the year, I didn’t think I would be able to graduate—my grades had dropped so much. At times, it would get hard to breath. Brushing teeth or brushing hair was a get effort that I felt exhausted after.

Then, somehow, during the first part of ‘08-May, weight fluctated quite a grand deal. Mostly gains. Most of it was gains. a few loses, but overall—it all came back. And THEN some.

Anyways, its not that bad though. I’m not that bad now. It still gets bad and tough, but it’s not like how it was. I remember telling my boyfriend about it (we had started dating about a year ago) in the spring. He’ll cry sometimes, when I confess I’ve done it again. He’ll get mad and sad and frustrated and threaten to leave. He saw me ‘purge’ once. Most disappointing, humilating, shaming moment in my life.

I always thought “those girls” were so shallow, vain, and stupid for messing themselves up like that. I never wanted to be like one. And then I was one. I hated the people that would obsess over their weight. Now I am one.

But, it’s healthier now—for the most part. Eating fruits and veggies, trying to not eat beef and pork, and getting daily activity.

Though my self-esteem is damaged. Weight is always in my mind, but I’m trying to have it not be. Sometimes I’ll just have days of heavy depression because I feel like my body isn’t good enough. And there are “relapses”—of which also cause me to feel depressed.

And now… Now I mostly waver between 144-148 (though I only weigh myself a few times a month—if that).

My point is… well, you get the point without me stating it bluntly, right?

just not the ones I had in mind. See, here is how the story goes: Last year, on May 17th, I had weighed myself. It said 174 pounds. I remember being all flabbergastered and whatnot. So I printed off the page I took it from (it was a BMI site), cut it out, glued it on some colorpaper, and stuck it in a “healthy binder” i made up. Exercises and healthy foods and whatnot in it. Anway, I found it under my bed, and read it over. So then… on May 17th THIS year, I weighed myself i the morning. It said 153.

Thats 20 pounds gone. Just not the goal-pounds.

I had set this goal when I was at 168. Then REVISED it at 158.

So then there’s some more details of the story (which I won’t get into, but you can read about if it’d like in my old entries about this—starting from the BEGINNING) of triumph, struggle, confidence, doing a few unhealthy things (UNITENTIONALLY!, weight gone and MORE, etc, etc. etc.

Anyways, now I’m back to 153… so, 5 pounds gone.

goal is 1/4 complete.

I haven’t exercised in quite some time. I’ve finally got to back to eating decently (Except today… A complete accidental slip-up! fully intended on getting back to the decent eating tomorrow). Exercise… I’ve just been feeling too slow and busy lately. Having that slump in my classes when i’m completely sick of going to school and i just want to give in for a while and not care, but i can’t because i’m somewhat of a perfectionist and over-achiever. Those traits don’t mix well with a procrastinator. So school work is making me busy and the slow is a slump in school.

And because i was eating horribly for like some weeks before last, and i had stopped exercise, weight just shot up. I had gone to the doctor and it said 168. That’s 10 more pounds than i started with! My jaw dropped and eyes widened and i thought i was about to freak out and cry. Yes, the doctor’s scales are always ‘wow’, right? But I can’t deny it. Clothes have been tighter.

And just when this weight is beginning to come up, BAM, THAT time of the month happens and I do pretty well, except for today. Sugary foods and heavy foods.
AND also starting thee pill to help smooth over THAT time of the month, but that can also cause weight gain. The weight had just been starting to leave and now it’ll be COMING BACK?!

So erasing past goals and… I don’t know. I’ll lose this weight when I lose it?

Uh…So… Shorty-time Goals:
152 by Feburary 9th.
Almost-Birthday-Day goal:
145 by March 2nd.

I weighed myself last friday around lunch-time on one of those scales that you have to move the little knobs left and right. It said 154. I was pleased. Then that-time-of-the-month reared its ugly head with the sugary-chocolate cravings. And I know I said I wouldn’t give in, but then… then I was getting headaches and (fill in excuses here) and it went horrible and then I felt horrible. And I did well today, until about 30 minutes ago. I raided the peanut-butter jar and had three cookies and a smooth-popsicle…AND, uh, handfuls of cereal.

I need to brake my addiction of peanut-butter. All fatty and non-organic and whatnot. My addiction of peanut-butter is like… I dunno. A crack addict’s crack addiction? Haha. Just kidding. But seriously. I’m not.

Here it stops. The Peanut-butter thing I mean. No more Peanut butter until, AT LEAST, March 3rd. (cause that’s my birthday! heh. Not sure what will happen after that, though).

Starting tomorrow, I’m gonna have to step this up. This motivation and goal and everything that goes with it. I’ve decided that I’m always gonna try to get 8-9 hours a sleep each night. Mostly around 8 1/2 hours. Seems proper for my age, I’ve read. Then, when I wake up… Do 20-30 minutes of jogging. Then 25-50 sit-ups. Then again TRY with pull-ups (which I’m trying to work really hard on.. at the moment, it’s still just.. hanging there, really.) Then some nice strectching. Then onto the rest of the day, whatever the day involves. School. Whatever. Nothing. Something.
Then in the afternoon, after getting home, I’m going to try jogging for 30-35 minutes of jogging again. Then 25-50 more sit-ups… Then… whatever the rest of the evening consists of.
THEN do a short jog after dinner and maybe try again with the pull-ups (which will still probably be just…hanging there).
All in all, I want to try to jog for about an hour and twenty minutes each day (or atleast 4 times a week) with 100 sit-ups every-other day. Or something.
Atleast SOMETHING like that. I haven’t got all the details worked-out yet.

And for EATING HEALTHY:
No more soda, not even diet soda. Try to drink 5-ish bottles of water before dinner. Trying to cut WAY down on sugar (I did well with this for a while, actually… then birthdays came with cakes and parents doing snack-buying…and…I’ve just been having a lot of sugar lately. I think it’s been giving me headaches). Meat, trying to NOT eat that unless it’s chicken or fish. But I only like chicken when broiled. I suppose that’s good, though.

And NO “reward days” of me allowing myself to pig out all day without any exercise. I should look at losing the weight as the reward, shouldn’t I? Or maybe I could buy myself something when getting down to some weight. I also need to stop weighing myself everyday. Though I DO believe it helps with weight loss, I think I’ve been becoming obessed (and then unhappy and distraugt) with it lately. That should be stopped.

Yeah. Let’s see how this goes. I want this 20 pounds to be gone by April first. I believe I have less than 20 pounds to lose, and ten weeks to do it, so… I think I should be able to do it.

Because it’s like… Yeah, I can lose two pounds a week for maybe two weeks. Then I hit a plateau, then I feel discouraged and hopeless and then I gain the weight all back, then I have to start from square one… But then the idea plants itself in my head that:” Yeah, you lost the weight—but gained it back, so what’s the point of trying again?” and the other voice says “No, no, no! The point is that you WANT to lose you, you’ll be HEALTHIER, you’ll be able to buy the sizes you want without having to sercretly search for your size while others are around. You’ll feel so happy and proud and boastful and bouncy when you lost the weight. You’ll be pleased and proud. THAT’S the point!”
Those arguing voices. I wish the second one would yell louder and more often than the first, but the first voice seems to be more assertive. Heh.

I want to be 145 pounds, which would be 12 lost, by March 3rd—(Cause that’s my b-day!), but I’d be pretty-darn-pleased if it was down to that by Feb 20th, because on the 21st I go in for my license test. I KNOW I’m going to lie about weight (lol), but I’d rather have it just be a lie by 5 pounds and not 10 pounds. Besides, seeing it down on my license would be motivation to get down to the weight, I think.

I’m feeling… Well I WANT to lose the weight, very much so, but I’m just feeling pretty discouraged and hopeless. I think I need to get a routine for myself and I’ll feel better. More sleep, more exercise, better diet, etc…. But hasn’t THAT always been the equation? Problem with this idea is—I’m not much for routines.

I suppose I’ll try it, though. Maybe I’ll start it this weekend. Yeah. That’s what I’m going to do. Hopefully it’ll make me feel…encouraged? I think I may also need to stay off the scale for a week or two.

my aim was to make a ‘to-do’ list and keep busy. I didn’t really keep busy. Didn’t even do a ‘to-do’ list. Lol. I’m not too motivated on weekends… I didn’t really work out yesterday (saturday) or today. Felt too tired to, so i decided to let my muscles rest and whatnot. BUT ATLEAST I did not munch-munch-munch all day like I usually do on the weekends. It’s a step-up, right? Right.
Maybe NEXT weekend I’ll keep on this “don’t munch all day” AND exercise, too. MAYBE.

of being 138 by Christmas. New Year’s Eve had been my fall-back on date. I had gotten down to 144 the last week of October. Then everything came crashing and whanot and all that had been gained back, putting me OVER the starting weight of 158-159. Now I have to start semi-fresh. “Semi-fresh” Because I think I’m at like… 157-ish. A pound gone. Again. I wanted to be around 156 or something by New Year’s Eve (I started that goal… About a week ago or something). I think I may do it. But I don’t know.

What really sucks is that I keep thinking of how I was only like… 6 pounds away from meeting 20 pounds, and how I had a whole nother month and a half to lose it. If I would’ve kept it up, I would’ve made it. Though I guess I saw it coming. A deep down part of me. I had gotten desperate. Calorie-intake had been quite low (I even had asked the question of what was roughly ‘too low’? And after a while, I just started getting worn out so easily. SO, yeah I came close to bidding fare-well to those 20 pounds, but I lost about about 5 pounds in an unhealthy way. WHO knew losing 5 pounds in an unhealthy, quick way would cause them all to come rushing back?! By the way, I wasn’t INTENTIONALLY losing it in a unhealthly way. It just sorta happend by accident. Then I think I realized it was unhealthy and said ‘Oh Fluck’ to myself, because I think I realized… This weight is gonna come back.

And it did! Lesson learned from a mistake, though.

SO… Losing 20 pounds would put me at…oh 138. Here’s the NEW-NEW goal date:
Be 145-147 by March 2nd.
That’s about 9 weeks.
10 pounds in 9 weeks? That’s reasonable, right? If a person can lose 2 pounds a week… Yeah, that should be reasonable.

I felt like posting an update, even there really isn’t any positive update. I think I gained back quite a lot of the lost weight during… thanksgiving WEEK… of which actually lasted around 10-12 days. Hmph. Who knew gaining weight was so easy? =grumble=.

Because I think I may be bloated/retaining water, I’m not gonna /seriously/ weigh myself until next week friday, I think.
Next week saturday is an x-mas family get-together for my mom’s side of the family. I think I’ve still threw off some weight since last time I seen them all, but i didn’t keep off and lose all the weight I had wanted to lose before seeing them.

As for losing 20 pounds in 4 months, and having X-mas being the end of that 4 months, I have to X that out. Scratch it out. Erase it. I screwed up and there isn’t a way I can be 138 by X-mas.

If this update is about anything… I guess it’s… Stick with your plans and diet and don’t slip up “Just because” and indulge in fatty-sugary foods for a whole 7-12 days without any exercise. The results will make you want to…kick things while cussing. and if you DO have a long slip-up week, at least keep with exercise. I didn’t do any exercise. I didn’t at all stick with my diet. And now, basicly, I think I’m right back where I started. I think.

=grumble=
Learning lessions is awfully lame.

It isn’t even thanksgiving yet, and i think i’ve gained some pounds back. Been eating crap-fully since like… this last friday. And because thanksgiving is at our house this year, we’ve got a bunch of goodies on the counters and in the fridge and in the cupboards. And because we’ve had family and young kids around that i haven’t seen for ten months or so, I haven’t been exercising all too much.

And, and, and…
It’s awful.

I don’t have the desire to exercise. Just to munch.

I’ll have to kick it into high-gear after the family leaves (on monday, i think) and thanksgiving is done and all of that. Jeez-louise (sp?)...

Why is is so hard to lose weight…and so easy to gain weight?

f.ü.ck!