be beautiful

Sometimes, looking in the mirror is hard. Lol. It’s like that one scene in Mean Girls. No—it’s not just being skinny or fat. There can be a whole lotta problems. Roots not being same color as rest of hair, hair being frizzy, pores looking big, big shoulders, lame-looking calves, etc.

Everyone has sees flaws in themselves and most of the time, the flaws are only obvious to their own self, I know, but..still… you know what I mean?

Or else…today while in school, I was in the bathroom, fixing my ponytail and I over heard another girl tellng her friend how she feels fat and ugly while this girl is in-shape and quite pretty. So then it made me look at myself and get not-happy. Then I thought: S.o.B, you freakin’ byotch! Now you made me self-conscence!(sp?)”

BUT I do feel better about myself than I did some weeks ago. So, I’m stepping in the right direction, I guess.

I read somewhere…

“Being born beautiful is like being born rich…and then only getting poorer as your life goes on.”

It made me chuckle.

“Wow, y’know, you like pretty(as in the kind that describes an amount…) pretty, today.”

hummm… Not all too sure how these thoughts came about being. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to get a sleep schedule of 8 hours minimum, 9 hours maximum each night… so when I wake up I feel all refreshed and whatnot. Maybe it’s also because I’ve been trying to be more active… and all of that just puts a person in a generally better mood, so, y’know…

you feel all nice and pretty and beaut-iful and whanot.
Maybe?

So this whole gained-back weight thing has given me stress, I’ve found that I’m a procrastinating perfectionist (wanting it to be perfect…but waiting until the last minute to start) and that’s given stress, been in a generally bad mood from being stressed and everything else.

So I’m not feeling my most beautiful.
To be beautiful, I’d just like… this weight to be lost, for me to be in rockin-awesome shape, to get my usually-natural tan back, for this acne-breakout to clear up (it’s just recently happened at the most unconivent time!), dye my hair and…

I guess it’s mostly vain/superfical things… But they are things that I just want to have more confidence… y’know?

Feel beautiful on the inside, first of all! Then it’ll cause a chain reaction… then there’ll just be that “Glow”.

The year before last… I had gone on a cruise with my family and—I was just so happy to be going on a trip to Mexico and all of that stuff and… I had just overcome a very bad sickness the month before (involving the gallbladder) and I was just feeling so fortunate and lucky to be doing it..so—I decided to take advantage.

Usually shy and timid, I forced myself to be more outgoing—talking to people and greeting people, giving cheerful smiles and everything else—on the ship and even before that, at the airports. Just striking up conversations with people I didn’t at all know—nothing I would’ve done before that. I think that just made me FEEL so much better about myself and about other things. Less self-conscious and insecure and all of that stuff… Then I just started getting compliments like “aw, you’re pretty” or “beautiful”. And… it wasn’t just from guys (because that would be suspicious) but from other girls, too (not in THAT way. just in that way of giving compliments and whatnot). Just made me feel loads better.

Then when I came back, it’s like I just had a COMPLETE turn around. I was more outgoing and… whatnot. I got compliments from peers and teachers of how I had changed and whatnot and some “You’re postively glowing!” compliments.

Loved it.

And then… somehow… I lost it.

I need to get that self-satisfaction and happiness back. I NEED it. How? As cheesily-cliche as it is… needs to come from the inside, first.

My newest, most-important goal is now that (or … THIS). Feel beautiful on the inside to feel beautiful on the outside. Yeah.