I’m totally convinced that this is going to be either the most difficult or the easiest thing to do/happen off my list.
Seriously though, I realize that everyone wants it (love or to be loved); but very few people are willing to do what you need to do to find it. Like a bunch of other people, I’m kinda hoping it’ll fall into my lap without too much effort.
Thing is, I know usually it doesn’t happen like that for average people. And that’s me. Average. I have a hint of greatness, but it’s not enough to escape average. Day by day, I’m getting ok with that. There are times I wish I was more than I was; but, it’s only a wish. Do you ever get the feeling other people see more in you than there really is? Like you’ve somehow fooled them without meaning to? I feel like that everyday. Like they caught me having a clever moment, not realizing just how few and far between those really are.
And sometimes I think that love is like that, just another way of fooling people. I don’ know. So, let me tell you what I do know. I’ve only told two boyfriends that I loved them, and I only did it because after a year of not saying it at all…well, it seemed to be time. I tell people I love them as a joke; like, “I’d love you more if you had a 60gig i-pod” kinda way.
Some people in my position would say that they’re not capable of love. I don’t agree with that. I just don’t think I know how to do it yet. Do I think I am capable? Hell, yes. I have compassion for others; and I have heard that that’s part of love. The hang up happens, as it does with everyone else in my shoes, in the opening yourself up to it. Being ok enough to let someone get so close that they could maim you emotionally. There’s my difficulty. To be that close and know someone could hurt you as much or more than they could ever love you. To me, that’s pretty deep water for a girl to take a swim in. People would say what’s needed here is a leap of faith.
