live with no regrets

The best novels have the worst tragedies in them. They are the ones that make you think, “Don’t do it! You’re making a mistake!” There’s always conflict, but there’s beauty in the conflict.

Sure, I’ve made a lot of wrong turns. I’ve done things that I really don’t like at all, I’ve been hurt a lot, I’ve hurt others a lot, and sometimes would just like to forget everything, but I can’t say that I would go back and change what I’ve done because I love who I’ve become through it all. Everytime I think about all of the things that make me feel terrible, I keep telling myself that if my life were made into a story, it would be a really beautiful one. I just have to live life to the fullest, hope, hope a little more, and in the end, everything will work out the way that it should.

I’m finding this incredibly difficult. I’ve let go of many things that I regret, but there are still a few things that I can’t seem to forgive myself for. Hopefully I can bring myself to realize that everything happens for a reason, even those things that are terrible. In the end, these can only make me into a better person, so why regret? I’m still not at that point yet, but I’m getting there. It should take some time.

But it’s so hard. I regret ever meeting him and loving him. They say it’s better to have loved and losted than never loved at all. But I don’t believe it. Not in this case. I did love him, and part of me still does, but I know I have to move on. It’s just soo hard. I’d give so much to just forget about him. He doesn’t think about me. If he does, it’s while he’s talking to his friends about ‘that girl’ or ‘that pain you used to date.’ I can’t keep thinking about us. I do, in all honesty, regret ever falling so deeply for a man like him. I knew he had problems, but I never thought he would get so swept away in them. This isn’t like him, or it wasn’t anyway. I need to stop regretting, but I can’t find much good in this. The only thing I’ve found out of this whole experience that will make some use for me later in life is: One day, when I’m walking down the road, going to a church, sitting at school, etc, and I meet a man like him, I’ll know better than to fall so quickly for his charming ways. Well, atleast I have something…

All I can say is it’s really hard. If I have harmless fun, I’m hurting someone. If I don’t, I regret not having fun in the first place. And once I’m at that happy medium, someone who I’m extremely close to wants to bring me down or make me feel bad about something so incredibly minor. Grr. Life is confusing