Get over my first love

When I first posted on this, 2 years ago, I was a wreck. He had just broken up with me after 2 years, and with him being my first love, i was destroyed….no worse. People tell me now that it was physically draining and painful for them to watch me live my life. It took me a year and a half of wasted time to pick up the pieces. In that time, he lived his life, finding a new girl after 2 weeks, moving in and proposing within 4 months. I cut him out of existence last june.

Then out of nowhere a month and a half ago, he happens to be drinking in the place in which i work(he didnt know I worked there). I found out that his “fiancee” and himself had broken up about a month prior, and they had both moved to different houses. I convinced myself that hey, enough time had passed, I can be friends with him.

All lies. Ive now hung out with him about once every week since that night, and we’ve talked over and over and over about how its always a bad idea to repeat relationships, we forgive each other for all that happened, the timing is just bad for us…..but the idea of repeating relationships is mostly looked at negatively by him. He claims to have major issues with the fact that he feels so comfortable and natural around me. I told him that I had a tiny crush on him again (i know, bad idea, but so is us hooking up, cuddling, and doing other “coupley stuff”). Im not chasing after him, but i think we both know that if he changed his mind and wanted to try again with me i would let him. ANd thats stupid! i shoulnt be waiting around for him to realize how awesome I am! But every week, now the feelings come back and I get angry that I am excited if he calls or texts me, and I get angry that I am frustrated, sad, and depressed when he doesnt. He’s made it so clear that he just thinks of me as a very close friend, and that he has no intention of getting back into a relationship with me. WHy cant i just let him go! I feel that if I pretend he doesnt exisit again, Im just being immature. Im a grownup, and he does exist in this world. I just hate that all my progress Ive made in the past 2 years has been comprimised in a month and a half.

So really, after 4 months of dating his new chick he gets engaged. i knew that. he told me that like 6 months ago. but now that the “official” announcement is out….i feel kinda like crap. im now with this new guy for 3 months now and hes amazing, treats me like a queen, everything i imagined a good man would be like. wouldnt trade him for anything in the entire world, he’s worth it. so why does this fucking asshole who tore my soul in half keep affecting me?
honestly, i just want my heart to stop breaking.

ive been having dreams about him lately. its been 9 freaking months and although i can now look at a picture with him and his fiance without feeling like jumping off a building, i still feel that dullache. this whole “it takes time” and “time is a great healer” bullshit doesnt help when i truly take a good look at myself and think about the good and bad things that i was responsible for in our relationship. it just brings up a lotta guilt, whatifs and regret. honestly, all i want is just him out of my head.

theres gotta be an easier way to let go.

we broke up 6 months ago because he moved away. for three months after that, we were still talking every day, because the new girl he was seeing couldnt commit, and cheated on him, but he still loved her.
now, he calls me to tell me that they are engaged and that “they” as a collective have decided that he will no longer speak to me, and that he has no desire to stay in contact with me any longer.
I’m from a small town (they are not, they moved there) and they do not realize that its a SMALL town and that we are all bound to run into one another, and its impossible to ignore that. its so high school! although i admit, its like a frieght train is running over my heart over and over and over again even though i had hoped i was over him. but im not. it was a 2 year relationship where we lived together and had dogs and were incredibly serious and now 6 months later hes going to marry someoone that cheats on him? i dont know what to do…

trust me, nothing is worse than having your exboyfriend call you crying because he’s having problems with his NEW girlfriend, and then proceeds to tell you how she makes him truly happy, how he loves her deeply, how he found someone truly special, and how he doesnt want to lose her.

Bastard.