do more yoga

with dinner afterwards. That was nice. I finally got to know some of the people and they were really nice. I hope to see some of them at the drop-in classes later on. There are classes on Tuesday evening that I might go to because I will be in town on that day anyway. With any luck I can set up a sort of buddy system with the people who were in my beginners class so that I don’t feel all too lost on my own, and it will make sure that I actually go to the classes instead of only having the intention. My body is still not as flexible as I would like and certainly not so strong and the breathing exercises are really hard to do for me plus I am still bugged by the whole amusicality of the flow (I feel it should be much more naturally flowing with the breath) but I like it and I will go again. Plus a few sun salutations for myself at home here and there – I will be okay. :)

And I am just starting to really enjoy it. At first I thought it was a little bit boring (Sivananda Yoga) but now I feel that having the same series of exercises every week gives me more opportunity to improve them and along with it improve myself: my postures, my muscles, etc. Also it is easier to exercise at home when you know better what to do. Last Monday we had a substitute teacher and she was really good! My regular teacher’s english is a bit raggedy and sometimes she gets a little lost in the directions and when someone goes “now left foot forward.. no I mean right foot to the side of the…” it kind of impairs on the flow of the movements. And the breathing – argh! I think I’ll go to one of the drop-ins sometime, I believe they have a different teacher.

What I do not like so much about the classes is the emphasis on the philosophy and the teachings of the guru. It is fine to explain about meditation and diet but it feels like I should be converted (e.g. to vegetarianism) and I do not enjoy that. I am not Indian or Hindu nor will I ever be so my beliefs and lifestyle are sure to be different and the terminology in Sanskrit does not mean all that much to me either. There is a certain ‘wannabe’ factor to the dedication of some people that I find a little… not me.

Having said all this: I do like how my body feels after class. So I’m definitely continuing with yoga. If only my muscles in my legs and back would be a leetle bit longer.

Skipped class last Monday due to flu. Will go again next Monday.

So today was first class of the beginners course. Okay it is clear now: I am not an absolute beginner. Because it was kind of boring. And I kept thinking how they did it better at the other studio. Better explained, more attention to the body (and avoiding possible causes of injury!), better developed class set-up, etc. Only thing was that this studio is much larger which means more room to move. If we had moved.

But then again, this was the first lesson. And it was nice to do something again. So I’ll just go again next week.

As for socially… Everyone was clearly awkward which was a little strange. I was one of the more outgoing types in the group. (Not counting the snobby keep-to-our-own-kind expat wives…) I believe I was the only one making a joke during the short tea instance after class. Oh well…

I kicked myself in the butt and signed up for a beginners class. At another studio, I must add, because I’m still not going anywhere near the one I described before. The one I will go to now do have some spiritual thingy going on but I specifically asked about that and they told me it was really not about that. So I’m going to accept that for now, let’s see how it turns out.

Classes start Monday. There will be a book also, included in the price, which will help with practicing at home. Here goes!

Here it is: I’m scared to go.

There is a yoga studio not far from my home. It’s a five minute walk. I have been there in the shop and talked with the man behind the desk about the schedule etc. I asked him all sorts of questions about the lessons and the kinds of yoga they offer. They have a pretty full schedule with all kinds of yoga so I can really find something I like, on a day and time I like. They even offer special beginner classes and hot yoga, something I very much want to try. The schedule is pinned over my desk right now. It has been there since the start of summer.

Doing new things, walking into a room of strangers, it is not something I particularly enjoy. I know there will be other new people like me. I know everyone feels a little anxious at first. I know there will be no problem whatsoever, and everyone will be really nice etc. I know this. This does not make a difference at all.

The website shows pictures of the studio owners’ kids.

Many of the courses and lessons are, of course, about pregnancy and childbirth and all that. It’s a huge market for yoga, I understand. From the courses listed on the website I understand that they also do a lot of other yoga activities for kids. Kids, especially young kids, are an important thing for them apparently.

I cannot deal with this.

About 98% of the time I am doing absolutely fine but sometimes this fact about me just kicks me in the head. It is an anxiety that has a very clear and obvious source, and that is near impossible to shake. I will not be surrounded by pregnant people complaining about their backs. I can’t. It makes me feel like a horrible failure. I can’t do that.

So why don’t I go to another studio? The first one I went to, a year ago or so, I eventually did not show up for classes I registered for. I am ashamed of that. I can’t go there anymore. There will be other studios in Amsterdam, sure, but I’m incredibly in my own way about this. Practicing at home doesn’t work either because I’m no good at remembering the moves and a dvd doesn’t provide me with enough instruction to do it right.

I can’t give up on this goal.

first yoga session in months although YogaJason is going a leetle fast on his dvd…

Because I’m giving up pretty easily on these things, I seriously need a buddy to make it a necessity for my to go – can’t let her/him down, right? My friend S also wants to go but she’s got this yoga studio on the other side of town. That’s a long way biking. On the other hand, they have classes on Wednesday which is my day off so it’ll be easier for me to get there on time etc.

So actions to be taken: make a regular weekly date for class with S and then just go!

Since my yoga studio has a replacement teacher whom I don’t like at all, I’m not going to class. So instead I bought a dvd that looks promising. However I did not have a good yoga mat – until now! Yay, will try the dvd soon!

Oooh, I’m going to be so sore!

But it is so hard to do anything for myself right now. Need to do this! Need to do this!