post random thoughts

Between me and H, a friend who lives in Australia and is occasionally here to say hi.

H: So what are you up to these days?
me: Short term?
H: Yes, for starters.
me: I’m writing a novel.
H: Hahaha! Okay. When is that due?
me: End of November.
H: O-kay…
me: It’s gonna be 50,000 words.
H: That’s a lot of words.
me: Yes it is. I started the first of the month so it’s 1,667 words a day on average.
H: Oh. Right. Right. And your long term plans?
me (getting fed up with people asking what I’m gonna do with my life): Well, sell that novel in big numbers and earn big cash of course.
H: Hah!
me: All it needs is a lot more sex.
H: Sex…
me: Sex sells.
H: It does.
me: I’m considering turning the sex scenes into a wiki application. Then all my friends get to participate in writing them.
H: ...

Only on nano:

She blew up the building.

Hahahahaha!!

Only yesterday I was grinning to myself at how productive I was being and that my procrastination days seemed to be over. Hah! Not so today. I am useless, completely useless today. But I decided that is okay. My only mission for today (what is left of today) is to clean up some of the mess around the house, do grocery shopping before it is too late and provide the man with dinner, and then I must go to observe a choir rehearsal this evening. What is missing from this to do list, is NaNo. Why? Because I really really don’t feel like I can write anything today. That said, I will write something. A little bit, just to keep going. But not much. I know I am messing up the run but sometimes a lost day is just a lost day. And that is today.

Now: put on some music and talk to the budgies while cleaning and doing stuff that at least makes me feel a little bit useful.

Urg…

Since you deleted your comment, I can’t respond to it. Therefore:

“Thank you for your comment. I did not mean to be snappy and I apologize if I were. The fear I have is for something I must do, and which means a lot to me, but it has a huge chance of failure. The fear is for disappointment – and that is something that is not easily bested. Please be assured that I value your comment a lot. And I wish you had left it where it was. :)”

Thanks for being quiet, still almost, moving out of the way so not to touch any bruises.

Thanks for this day with just us, just the two of us. Thanks for the fog and the rain and the darkness so that not going out does not hurt at all and staying in is the sensible thing to do. Thank you for gently nibbling my hand when I reached inside the cage to see if you were okay. Thanks for good food when I needed it, and sweet candy when I wanted it. Thank you for music, and artwork, and writing.

Thank you, day, for ending with me, now. Tomorrow there will be another day but it will not be this one.

and I have to say that I fucking hate that.
Sorry but that’s how it is.

Fuck man, I might as well delete anywhere in the near future. Just go and hide. Wouldn’t that be neat?

No.

EDIT: Oh apparently Sarah Smiles is not gone, just hiding. And taking all her goals off. And not posting anymore. But leaving the account on account of the cheers count. Maybe she’ll be back. Who knows?

There is this subscriber count I have. It keeps going up and down and up and down by one. This has been going on for some time now. I’ve been wondering if it’s the same person going “yeah she’s cool” – “no she isn’t” – “yeah she is” – “no she isn’t” etc.

Maybe it is a different person all the time, latching on to one word or subject or entry and then finding out I’m not just about that so letting go, and that happens again and again.

Funny stuff.

“Hi!” – “Bye!” – “Hi!” – “Bye!” etc.

That is a lot!

but let’s just say that yesterday I was shaking for about three hours. Listening to gut feelings can be extremely hard, and sometimes just impossible to do all by yourself. Lucky I have a cool-headed man to help me. The turmoil is not gone yet. It’s going to be a tough time ahead.

That is not a lot but it is something. And tomorrow a new week is starting. I will have less time to spend with the online creatures such as you, and more with offline real people with to-do lists. One of them will be me. I enjoyed this weekend, lame as it was. And I think that however little I have done today in terms of cleaning and decluttering, I have still made a little start. So that’s it for today. I’m logging off, going to do some kitchen work (guy cooked, I should oblige), wash my face and get into bed. I will draw the covers up to my chin and look into the darkness for a little while, thinking of where my life could be going from here. It could be anywhere. A certain restlessness is growing with me and with my man. We have been getting stressed by all the people living so up close, crawling around like ants, everyone wanting to occupy the same space. This is a returning feeling after a holiday because Holland is supercrowded. But this time there is a hint of a feeling that it may be time to take a leap and move on. Maybe move to another town where houses are not so expensive, take a load of the mortgage and thus our need for substantial (because sufficient) wages, and concentrate more on what we want to. We don’t have to build on any future other than our own, having no kids. We have no other responsibility yet other than our own, our parents not being old enough to need extensive care. Then we could really choose what we do with our time and money. I would like that. But that would mean leaving our beloved Amsterdam and I may not be quite ready for that.