be a better daughter

i’m so swamped with my own problems that i’ve neglected my mum. she’s moving house and i can’t be there to help. she’s having constant problems with her boyfriend. i feel horrible. but there’s not a lot i can do.

it’s funny… i was reading over some journal entries from a few years ago, and it’s funny how much my attitude has changed. when we first moved, i was so utterly protective of her, because i knew the fragile frame of mind she was in, and because she seemed so utterly helpless. now, i expect her to stand up for herself, without my support – but i know that she’s still fragile, and i can’t abandon her.

it’s almost like that feeling when you discover that santa isn’t real – the day when you realise that your mother isn’t infallible, that she’s human and makes mistakes. while i lost this illusion long ago, i’ve had to go through it twice – this second time being when i realised that not only is my mother human, but i can’t depend on her – because she’s depending on me.

and that’s a big responsibility.

i’ve spent more time at home lately and it’s made a difference – mum seems a lot happier. so the solution: stay at home.snort

i love my mum, but her short-sightedness frustrates me. i sat down and told her exactly how i feel: frustrated because i still live at home when i’ve wanted independence for more than 10 years, feeling like a massive failure in life, hating myself for the mistakes i’ve made. she’s finally accepted that i’m an adult – but that doesn’t mean she’ll listen to my advice. no matter. baby steps.

i feel like i’ve let her down by still living at home, by still being at uni, for not being able to pay more board. i feel guilt for being impatient when she babbles. i get annoyed when she doesn’t learn from her mistakes.