find love

well. i’m retiring this goal. and it’s kind of cheating, because i didn’t find love. love found me. love found me and said he wanted me back and missed me and loved me.

the agony of two months without him was worth the time i have with him now.

i talked with him last week. there were tears, there were hugs, there was one incident of hysteria, there were silences, there was mad passion, there was a beautiful night spent in each others arms… there was the understanding it would never happen again. and i accepted that, and enjoyed the night for what it was – the last time.

i saw him tonight and he’d been drinking (and was therefore more honest) – he said he missed me, he still loved me, but… blah blah blah. i was calm and understanding throughout the conversation, but then drove to work and just got angrier and angrier, which resulted in two nasty text messages that probably shouldn’t have been sent. the damage is done. i can only wait for the fallout.

it’s strange. i’ve just spent the last 7 months in a relationship with a wonderful guy – it all seemed to be going well. but… no. he doesn’t know who he is, and he wants to find himself. not only have i lost my boyfriend, i’ve lost my best friend. not to mention all our mutual friends who feel they have to “pick a side”. who draws the short straw? three guesses.

alone again. naturally.

well, it was nice while it lasted.

and now? i find myself dumped.

without actually being told so.

no, i just get ignored in public. brief irritable replies to my text messages.

i’m so fucking over it.

i’m not going to call it love, not yet…

...my heart hasn’t quite recovered from the last break-up…

...but i’m so damn happy!

unbelievable.

i’ve spent two amazing nights with an incredible person…

... my ex-boyfriend.

who is no longer my ex-boyfriend.

this person whom i’ve spent so many nights pining for, fantasising about, wishing and praying he’d hold me in his arms… wanted me back.

and i gladly accepted.

i was dreading last saturday night, because i knew i’d have to spend the night with him and our friends. but he was the gentleman i remembered him to be, and we had fun. and then?

it was completely unexpected. when he asked me, he had to repeat himself to make sure he’d been heard, i was dumbstruck. we had an unbelievable night that ended with each of us collapsed into the others arms.

we held each other and spoke openly and honestly about what happened between us last year. we both blamed ourselves for what happened, then laughed at each other for being so silly.

the reason why the break-up left such deep wounds was that when we were together we felt so comfortable… i had waited six years before i gave myself to anyone – i gave so much to him and he did to me… i felt like i’d found my soul mate. i had never let myself believe in such a ridiculous concept like a “soul mate”, but we just felt so right.

and we did not once, but twice again.

i’m trying to view our past as a learning experience. no relationship has ever been smooth sailing, and perhaps it took time apart for us to realise what we meant to another.

or maybe i’m just talking out my arse because i’m as giddy as a schoolgirl.

i’m going to keep this goal open for a little while longer… just in case.

every new person i meet will come out with the inevitable question (or some close variant), “are you seeing someone?” my inevitable response: “i don’t do relationships.” their inevitable reaction: “oh, it’s just a phase.”

how do you tell them that you don’t really want to be in a relationship when the two previous ones resulted in your heart being not only broken, but torn from your chest while still beating, jumped and spat on, driven over by a mack truck repeatedly and squished to a mushy pulp, scooped up and put through a blender then served as a cocktail with a maraschino cherry and a little umbrella by the gloating ex to their new girlfriend?

and yet, despite all this, i still hold out that someone somewhere will overcome reason and logic and insanity – and love me. someone who knows my strengths, my faults, my idiosyncracies, my unhealthy obsession with chocolate, and will just love me. without conditions, without issues, for longer than a month.

... i’ve been brought up on too many disney movies.

this isn’t so important to me.