But I am certainly now more aware of a lot of my choices and reasons as to why I’ve always felt responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
I still have to keep myself in check and remind myself that it is ok to take care of me.
Thank you to everyone who’s been with me, supported me and made me feel like I matter on this journey. It’s not over but I at least now feel I’m on the right path.
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Taz has written 14 entries about this goal
I’ve been debating taking this goal away. Calling it complete, feeling like I’d done it. I’d stopped feeling responsible for the ex and everyone else’s feelings all the time.
But then things started to creep back into my head, things that I had thought were my fault and I had accepted as so suddenly didn’t seem to fit anymore.
If I never felt loved but was repeatedly told I was, was it still my fault that I didn’t feel loved. No it bloody wasn’t but I spent my whole marraige convincing myself that it was my fault. I wasn’t doing something right. I wasn’t feeling something right.
Everyone else told me how lucky I was and how loved I was but HE never made me feel that way. He certainly gave the right impression to everyone else though so there must have been something wrong me no?
He would never open up emotionally to me, oh yes he would tell me he loved me constantly but that just became words. He would never let me through his emotional wall. I tried, I tried again, I’d give up out of frustration or guilt that it was my fault that I couldn’t get through. I was doing something wrong. Then I’d try some more.
But I wasn’t in the wrong. I took the blame though. I claimed it and everyone let me. He let me.
and for a change they weren’t mine.
Tonight I received various, very badly written, texts from a friend who had been out all afternoon that wanted me to go out to join her.
I said No.
1. Simply because I just didn’t want to go out drinking tonight.
2. Judging by the state of her texts, she was not going to be in much of a fit state once I got to the pub.
3. As she’d been out all afternoon and was only now texting me to come and join her it was obvious that all her other playmates had gone home.
The old me would have ran willingly to meet her, grateful to be asked, scared if I said no I wouldn’t be asked again. Worried that I would offend if i said no.
The new me is beginning to enjoy the ability to say no and will enjoy texting my friend first thing in the morning to enquire about her hangover which knowing her will last for days. :)
and hopefully will remain to be, especially for the small people’s sake. BUT…
The former him indoors has told me it is best not to have me as a friend on facebook and yet he comes here and to my blog and gets to read my inner thoughts, fears and ramblings. This has been the case since we split back in April last year. I realise now that I am still holding myself back from sharing because of this. He gets to step in and out of my life as it suits him.
I have emailed him this evening to ask him to stop reading my personal stuff, I can’t stop him as they are both in public arenas but I can ask.
That’s it plain and simple.
Pissed off with still hanging on to that emotion of constantly feeling responsible.
Pissed off because I can sense there is about to be another melt down – not mine! And I know it’s going to be hard for me not to react and be the fixer.
Pissed off for being shut out but its ok no infact expected for my life to open for all.
On the flip side of the coin there has been a breakthrough with my Mother’s expectations of me. How long this realisation of hers will last we will see but right now it’s good to know she’s said it.
Edited to add – the first half of my post is not about my Mother (for a change)
Mother left this morning The whole atmosphere in the house has lifted.
Thanks everyone for listening to all my rants for the last 4 weeks and 3 days :)
Please, please, please, please, please, please can you hold off the snow/ice/hail etc for a couple of days so that my Mother will go home. Please.
I am now at the point that I am totally shutting down from my Mother as she is nipping at my head, getting annoyed with me for knowing things that she wants to be the first to tell me and trying to do the whole sighing woe is me routine so that I will fall about myself to make her happy. I don’t want to play that game anymore, I’ve taken myself out of that game sometime ago now but she still will try to trick me into behaving the way she likes.
She recounted to me this morning how wee one seemed disappointed that she (mother) was not going home today. Really? Hello! We all want our lives back to normal. Of course I’ve yet to build the courage to actually say that out loud to her, I think mostly because we’d still have her here but with her knowing that we want her to go home so our lives would be extremely uncomfortable. Is that cowardly?
I say had because it would now seem that I’ve have been dropped. This is someone that used to work with me, we used to be out together nearly every weekend, we used to talk on the phone during the week and meet up for coffee and chats then it all changed.
It’s a long and complicated story so I’ll try to give a short version that doesn’t confuse too much. Suffice to say I had two friends A (that I worked with) and B. A decided that B didn’t like her because of some remark that had been made when A was serving B one night. B didn’t seem to have any opinion about A as far as I could see but A had seriously taken offence against B.
As I said me and A used to go out together all the time, B asked if she could come along as she was home alone while kids were with her ex. I said yes (because I had difficulty saying no in those days and I thought A could see that B was ok really)
The night seemed to go ok. Then B started inviting herself along to all our nights out, then A and B started getting together on their own as well as the 3 of us going out. Then I popped round to A’s one evening to see how she was (as we did back then) and I was made to feel totally unwelcome to the point that I tried to make an effort that was totally rebuffed so I left sharpish.
All this was noticed by nearly all of my customers, friends and even my boss who were all annoyed on my behalf. A did make some attempt at telling everyone that of course we were still friends but it was obvious from the fact that I was always missing that things had changed.
I was hurt to start with but I quickly realised that for all her assurances of her friendship A had never really been there for me as I had tried to be for her. When I first started to feel pushed out I did tell her how I felt (which is extremely difficult for me as I hate confrontations), but she had always told me that I had to tell people if I had a problem, but my observations were pooh poohed and I was told I was being silly.
As I said it’s all a long story and I’ve tried to keep it fairly short :) but as you can imagine there is far more that has happened than just this.
I’ve not seen or heard from either A or B since well before Xmas actually probably not since October time , what with working then being ill I’ve not had chance to catch up with many folk but last night I thought I’d make an effort and pop a note on their FB pages asking how their christmas’ and new year went. They’ve both been online but my question has been ignored. The old part of me took a breath but then the new part of me exhaled. I will not run around trying to please them so that they will like me or let me play with them.
I don’t want to.
I don’t have to.
I don’t need to.
I actually feel just great. I have real friends that I know care about me and I’m starting to understand that I am actually worth caring about. 2010 really is becoming the year that I can let go and be me. :D
biting my tongue and screaming inside my head.
Just a usual day in the taz household.
She’s still here! We’re 3 weeks and still counting and it keeps blooding snowing so she’s never going to go. Tonight she said she may have to go to my Drs if it keeps snowing as she only brought 2 months supply of her tablets with her. 2 months!!!!! I amazingly managed to reply rather rationally I thought….The snow will be gone soon.
Oh please let it melt soon.
I sat and wrote all the dates I needed on my new calendar the other day, she then informed me when I got back from work that I’d got one of my nephews ages wrong on the calendar. And why would you go through my calendar anyway? I daren’t even think what she goes through when I’m at work.
She showed a side of herself tonight that I know only too well but the smalls have been lucky enough to escape…till now. Fortunately big one does not have the same programming as me so was able to just brush it away without a care. I must be doing something right I guess.
I could go on and on. And I probably will because if I don’t vent somewhere my head may just implode.
Big one stayed over at her Dad’s for two nights running and wee one practically leapt at the chance of going on a sleepover to her friends house last night and informed me tonight that she’d like to go stay at Daddy’s tomorrow.
The weather is not getting any better so it’s not even as if I can suggest Mother goes home anytime soon.
I’m trying to not be on constant alert to being driven crazy but inside my head I’m screaming.
It’s my day off tomorrow, it’s snowing and the roads are icy so it doesn’t look likely that we’ll even get out of the house.
I just want my house, routines and space back. :(
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