Have my first kiss

Last night, this could’ve happened. Maybe it should have happened. It was actually harder trying to not make it happen.

So last night I spent the night and a friend’s house and he had about 12 other people over too. The boy I wrote about in my last ‘find a boyfriend’ entry was there. Quick rundown, I’ve had a thing for him all through high school and I still do even though he is at college. It’s been mutual at some points, but we were never aware when it was. Basically, if I ever wanted a first kiss, it would be from him.

Anyway, everyone was drinking, except for me, but I really don’t care. I had a lot of fun just talking to everyone, and no one was really really drunk anyway. But throughout the night, people began kind of pairing off and began exclusively talking to one or two people. Needless to say, my long time crush and I were left alone in conversation.

Fast forward to about 3 a.m. People start going to sleep, so my crush decides that we are sleeping together (which was fine by me!) and starts setting up a little area with blankets behind one of the couches for us. So eventually the lights go out, the TV turns off, and we lay down.

We naturally face each other laying on our sides and he puts his arm around me and we interlace our legs. We talk for a while then just convert our conversation into cuddling … really really extreme cuddling, cuddling that involves back massaging, tickling, rubbing, stroking, scratching, the whole nine yards.

We start talking about making out. I told him I couldn’t because I didn’t know how drunk he was and I had never done it before so I was nervous. Oh my goodness, is was HARD to turn down. But even though it would’ve been with the man of my dreams, I knew he had been drinking so I thought it would have stupid for me to take the chance.

He kept trying though. He put his hands on my face, looked me in the eyes, and went for it, but I couldn’t. He promised me he wasn’t mad about it and say that “making out is overrated anyway” so he resorted to kissing me on the forehead, nose, chin, and cheeks and eventually moved to kissing my neck and biting my ear. Oh my goodness. That was a lot sexier than I could have ever imagined. Then there were some eskimo kisses, which were adorable :)

We ‘cuddled’ for hours, really. I fell asleep in his arms, then we both woke up near 11. We talked and held each other there for a while, then eventually the neck kissing and everything began again. Almost everyone left before 11, but we stayed laying there until 1. Even if he was drunk, I don’t regret doing anything. Plus he was definitely sober by the morning. I don’t regret not kissing him either, as much as it probably made me look like a tease (Me? A tease? I couldn’t believe it either!).

He goes back to school in 2 days. I’m most likely going to see him tonight … don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted. :)

I’ve adopted an optimistic outlook.

I went to another dance club on Thursday night and I danced with a lot of cute guys. All of who tried to go in for the kill.

I danced with one guy who was 6’7” !!! Oh my goodness!!! He was very very cute too. After we danced he said “it was nice dancing with you”, smiled with his perfect teeth, and went in for a kiss. I turned my head so he kissed me on the cheek and smiled. I could’ve done it though! He looked about 22, I’m drawn to the older boys I guess =]

Boy number 2 I danced with was probably the greatest dancer I’ve ever experienced. We were facing each other as we danced together, so he would often get his head in close to mine and look me in the eyes: this was an obvious cue for a kiss. I got sick of him trying to hint at making out so I said I had to go to the bathroom. He goes in for a kiss, but I turn my head and he ends up kissing my nose. haha, awkward.

This happened two more times during that night. I didn’t feel it was right, so I didn’t. My intuition is getting so much stronger about that kind of stuff which rules.

I just need to meet someone that I know I’ll see again, not someone at a random dance club, or else i don’t think I would mind as much.

I met this boy this weekend. He kissed me on the neck a couple times and on the cheek. I felt like he was hinting towards, you know, an ACTUAL kiss, but I just met him, so I thought that was smart for me to hold back.

I really think i might like him alot, so if things progress well, I think this goal will be achieved!!!

So last weekend, I was left on a couch in a basement with a boy (whom I had semi-connected with actually!) while my friend and the other guy aggressively made out upstairs. We talked for an hour when he brought up kissing and boyfriends and sex … blahhh etc.
and I told him I’ve never kissed anyone and he said ‘so this must be awkward for you’. but i said ‘no, why should it be, we’re just talking?’ sooo then he said it’d be awkward if he took his pants off .. so sure enough, under a blanket, he was completely naked. Then he moved right next to me on the couch, put his hands around me, started rubbing my arm, and was just STARING at me, not talking. Being as naive as I am, I was nervously giggling and talking so it wouldnt be awkward. But he would not move! He only got closer!

I was kind of attracted to him .. but I had only met him that night at midnight (this sequence actually happened at 8 am though). annddd I figured it was an ‘i’m-here-you’re-here-why-not-lets-makeout’ kind of thing, so I didn’t want to do anything, and I didn’t think he would call me again.

So I resisted. And I was right, he didn’t call me. I feel like I would’ve regretted it if I did it, but now I kind of regret that I didn’t.

Did I do the right thing???

I can only think of excuses as to why it hasn’t happened yet, and they don’t really make sense. I don’t understand. Half of my friends aren’t even virgins anymore and I still have never been kissed. Not even on the cheek or anything. I really think I’m kind of picky about boys though, but I think it’s just a fantasy I need to get my head out of. It seems like all the other girls who have been kissed or have boyfriends aren’t even half as smart or friendly as I am. I feel like now is when I have to put some effort into it. I always just kind of though a price charming kind of thing would happen without me even trying. But maybe I’m not supposed to be waiting.