stop letting things get to me so much

of being a basket case over everything. hits re-set button I’m done. Whatever else happens. I’ve taken all I can handle, and I’m just done.

Put the g-d teakettle down!!! Are you stupid or so far gone that you just don’t care anymore?!! Put it down… walk away. Forget it ever existed!

I’m starting to realize some things. Like why it would never ever ever work. I knew those things before… it’s just… some parts of me take longer to catch on than others. So… things get to me at least a little less and the glow stick starts to dim out…

effed up huge recently. HUGE. Now just tryin to roll with it and recover. 1 day and counting…

I’m done waiting for time to do its thing. That’s what everyone says… time will heal it. Well, it’s been a year and an effing half… and I’m DONE! I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m over it. I’ll say it til it’s true. Screw it.

How effing long is this going to take?!! I’m TIRED of it. So very very tired of thinking about it. I don’t want it any more. The tiny bit of happiness was in no way worth the rest of the bs!!!

Maybe the imagery wasn’t strong enough. How about this?! When I do those kinds of things… it’s like hearing the teakettle whistle on the stove. I touch the very tip of my finger, lightly, hesitantly to the metal. It’s scalding hot. So I pick it up with my bare hands and cradle it to my chest, letting it sear and burn the tender flesh there. The skin bubbles and welts, turns an angry angry red. And still I hold it there, clutching it tightly to me, while screaming about how very much it hurts.

Now does that make sense?!!! No!!! Why can’t I just put the teakettle down? I’m TIRED of waiting for time to heal the burns. I just want it to STOP.

5 days and counting

Came to some important realizations. This week (the half of it that I’ve endured so far) has been really really hard. I am just hanging in there and trying to focus on work and school and nothing else. It will get better, I know it will. I am beginning to stop focusing on things that just don’t matter. Looking at the situation practically… well, my feelings about it suck… but the glow stick will stop glowing. They’ll heal… it will stop hurting. And well, it’s not the first time it’s happened, nor will it be the last. So. It’s time to move on and focus on other things.

I’ve been reading things about this to see how other people do it. A good number said that cold turkey was the way to go. For me… I’m still unsure. I’m thinking that’s probably how I’ll have to do it too, even though I don’t want to… arrrgghhh…. I think circumstances will partially help me in a little bit. We’ll see how it goes…

So I am doing better. Well, at least I get out of bed (although almost never on time) and I even get stuff done on the weekends. But… every time I think I’ve got a good, solid lock on this… something goes wrong. I hate to think that cold turkey might be the only way I can do justice to this one, but it really might be. Every time I have any sort of contact, I regress. I try to think of it like a glow stick. Something inside snaps… is irretrievably broken. Then it glows brightly. But, no matter what, the glow diminishes over time. There’s nothing you can do to keep it glowing. If you shake it, it might get a little brighter for a bit, and if you put it in the fridge, it glows for longer. But eventually, it glows itself out. For good. So I guess I’m just waiting for it to burn out. Sometimes I screw up and shake it a bit. And I suppose that further contact is like keeping it in the fridge… but… it does get better every day. And eventually, it’ll go out and I’ll be able to breathe again.