Find my purpose in life

I think that the purpose of life is to search for the purpose of life.

I feel so defeated and I just can’t shake it. I won’t go into the details, but crap just keeps flying at me from all directions… work frustrations, religious differences and the holidays, crazy family, new house problems, relatively minor but potentially serious health issues. Nothing is HORRIBLE. But the combination of minor issues on so many fronts makes me feel like I am defeated…..constantly defending myself and/or not worthy. My brain tells me that I have a “good life” and should learn to appreciate it. However, my heart is so sad and I just can’t change it.

Recently I have had a lot more free time than I am used to having. Most would enjoy it. I find myself wondering what I am supposed to be doing with it! I purposely am avoiding work and surfing the internet. Instead, I clean, shop, cook, decorate for the holidays, watch television, wrap presents, paint my nails, cook, clean, read, watch television, cook, practice, what the ? All meaningless crap.

Do humans have kids and reproduce just to fill in the time? Am I/are we afraid to have nothing to do? Are the great inventors/thinkers of our time the ones that make meaning out of this free time?

Is this the case with everyone? Are we all putting together a facade so we can try to make it through life with some dignity? Are we just constantly fooling ourselves to happiness? Is happiness just a state of mind that is possible to have under any circumstances?

When I have free time, I start to think about all of this. Am I becoming a mental case or is this just what it is to be human? Maybe I just need to stay busy and forget about it.

My husband always tells me that I lead a great life. He’s right, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way.

I feel like I am spinning out of control and my life has no purpose. I am not suicidal or anything like that. I just feel like I make no impact anymore and I am stuck in a routine, like I am a robot. I need purpose.