find true love

...in 10 years, and only the second time in my life, I met a man for whom it required not even the slightest stretch of imagination to see myself with forever.

It’s not an entirely illogical feeling – we spent hours and hours in conversation before meeting. But on top of all the “facts” exchanged my gut instinct tells me he is a genuinely good man, and these days I trust my intuition more than anything else.

Without the noise and insanity of the dating whirlwind as a distraction I feel more acutely the emptiness that has been with me for some time now. My heart is breaking, but not over anyone. Yes, I’d rather have a genuine loneliness than a shallow pretender in my life. But more than anything I’d like love: strong, true and lasting.

Battle-weary, I am. Not that I am fighting with these would-be knights in shining armor…just discouraged that the last one was such a phony. Picked up on that pretty quickly so I guess I’m learning. And the one before that was way too quirky, even for me with my spiky, rock-chick hair. And the one before that was way too aggressive with his affection, if you can call it that. I had marks on me after our third and final date.

I’m not giving up. This is not all men, though it may be representative of the online selection, at least from Match.com. I’d like to note that the phony BSer was someone I actually met in person…so I apparently can run into them anywhere. Maybe that’s what’s discouraging. Can’t just chalk it up to online dating : (

jennyblue wrote “better if it finds you” and I have to agree (gotta go cheer that jennyblue when I finish this). I have stumbled through a few more weeks of this dating circus since my last entry and, while I haven’t gotten so much as a glimpse of it (i.e., love) on this journey, I think I’m a little wiser for the experiences I’ve had.

A couple of days ago I had a sudden realization that there is probably a fundamental difference between who I am and what I want vs. how guys that don’t know me well perceive me. I think my reality and their perception are at odds.

In many respects I am like a lot of other women my age. I love my kids, like cooking dinner for friends and family, worry about the bills, often stress out over work, enjoy finding killer deals, dislike certain aspects of my appearance, etc. In a lot of other ways, I am unconventional if compared to my neighbors or my sisters. For one, I have rock & roll hair that fits a part of who I am. Many, many women my age (at least in this area) are overweight or have given up on themselves physically. I have not – my height and weight are proportionate. I’ll say just about anything that needs saying – forget propriety. I was a single mom for years and years and I think being so tapped into my kids’ lives has kept me a lot more open to new experiences and trends than many (no, I’m not talking about being trendy – God forbid!).

From what I’ve experienced so far, the bulk of which has been as a result of match.com (nope, not a member anymore) and the like, you have to have that physical “certain something” or you will not get attention. My “in person” experience is that guys look but don’t usually approach. Online, they’re a little braver. But with very little exception it seems that they only want/are prepared to deal with, the dimension of appearance. It’s like I’m some kind of midlife trophy or something.

Let me tell you: Oprah Winfrey could be the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover model sooner than I could be a trophy wife or girlfriend. I have opinions I’m not afraid to voice. I’m damn smart – more so than most of the men I’ve dated (that’s probably part of the problem right there). I have needs that go beyond satisfying a guy’s physical needs. For one, something around here always needs fixing. My body is decidedly not model-like; it bears the marks of two pregnancies and nearly 43 years of not being pampered. Oh, and I guess the biggest non-spokesmodel thing: I am sensitive and thoughtful, and my feelings can be hurt – and not just over things like a guy not ordering the right wine.

I think 95% of the men I’ve met get stuck on the outside, despite my repeated attempts to communicate all of who I am and engage them on a higher level. At some point, either I wake up or they wake up and realize that I want more and/or they’re not prepared for anything of substance. I suspect that winding up dating this type of guy is due in part to the fact that there are a lot out there in my dating age range. And perhaps it’s also due to the type of man who is going to take the initiative to approach me.

I don’t have any answers at the moment. Maybe the way I see it is only part of the equation but I do think it’s at minimum a significant part. Maybe I should lose the cool hair or gain 25 pounds or dress like my aunt Janet. I am grasping at straws – I just don’t know how to increase the likelihood that an interested gentlemen is interested in the whole package : /

In fact, this whole process sucks. Makes me not want to put myself out there. It hurts sometimes. Other times it’s just dehumanizing.

Where does a smart, lovely, but introverted person go to meet decent single men when she’s living away from her home town and those that know her best? When the town she lives in and the people she interacts with on a daily basis are virtually all married or otherwise unavailable?

This is why I end up doing crappy things like Match.com. I meet more people. Many express a keen interest. But so far they haven’t been for me and that’s been mostly a mutual thing. I let my three-month subscription expire. I am so frustrated.

Right now there is one guy who is successful and attractive, and says he is interested in everything that I have to offer. But every other word out of his mouth tells me he only wants one specific thing he hopes I will offer. There is another with whom I’ve exchanged a few e-mails. On the surface he seems like he may be close to what I’m looking for. But I am not sure I can handle seeing two people.

I insist on being up front with whomever I’m dating about where I’m at in the process and, if they ask, my feelings about them. Because the guy I’ve only exchanged e-mails with was out of town and didn’t respond right away I assumed he was no longer interested and moved on with Mr. Attractive and Successful and never said a word about the other guy. And then, of course, Mr. Closer to Right responded when he returned and would like to meet me.

I am so frustrated by this whole process. I’ve been single for a long, long time. My kids regret it now, but while they were growing up they ran off every man I got serious about. I am ready for, and need, a partner. I am a big girl and can handle life by myself, but I know that I am not at my best alone. Sorry if it doesn’t go over well in this day and age of independence and self reliance, but it’s true. I’ve been independent and self reliant almost all my adult life and it got old a long time ago.

Ah, geez…the joy/despair of dating – especially when you’re over 40 and an introvert and responsible for dogs and house and job and, sometimes, adult children.

It’s been fun sometimes. But I haven’t gotten to the level with anyone yet that goes beyond fun and into that mellow, sort of just sublime state of being and doing with another. That closeness where you’ve moved past freaking out over the slightest thing or guessing at what the other person is up to because it’s really too soon to start asking questions in that direction. That place where there just might be something there beyond physical attraction.

Guys, I don’t wonder about these things because I’m glued to you that quickly; it’s just that I don’t want to waste my time if you’re not into it or up for it. I know that sometimes a person doesn’t know right away. Usually the only things you know right away are the red flags that tell you to run, Forrest, run. And if you read my initial post on this goal you know I ignored the hell out of those last time.

Anyway, there are a few stages to get through before you can even consider whether you’ve got that magical combination of personal qualities plus that certain je ne sais quoi called chemistry. And both parties have to decide to progress through these stages. There’s Getting to Know You, Deciding You’re Worth Being Around (for Now), Realizing There May Be More to it Than Dating – or Fearing that There May, Deciding to Love and, last but not least, The Collapsing of Barriers and Giving in to True Love and Committment.

I think that should take awhile. Don’t you? Because if you rush these decisions they not be based on adequate/accurate information. Or they may be made with judgement clouded by feelings of physical attraction (which, by the way, feels pretty damn good but wears off in the absence of a genuinely good match).

The guy I met for coffee a couple of months ago has fallen away. I don’t think he was into me for anything but the pretty face. Decent enough guy but I’m a pain in the arse if all you’re ready for is a hottie.

Met a couple of others…funny how some seem to be really into it on that first meeting and then they don’t call. But this time I was torn (I really don’t handle meeting/dating a lot of people very well) because there was one I really, really liked and about whom there was a strong feeling that I simply can’t explain well. We just clicked. The other guy was good. He just wasn’t Bachelor #1. And then he didn’t call me, despite the fact that he made a point to tell me he wanted to see me again. I guess that problem’s solved.

And then there’s Bachelor #1. Geez. He is so smart, funny, thoughtful and lovable that I want to throw caution to the wind and rush in like a fool. Damn good thing he’s two hours away. Maybe by virtue of distance I’ll be forced to let things develop slowly.

I am most definitely over the eejit I allowed into my life for nearly two years. I think I am almost ready to quit beating myself up over the experience…over all the red flags I ignored. But I know the most important thing to be able to do before trying to move forward on this goal is balance a healthy amount of caution with enough trust to really get to know and love a guy.

I’m not there yet. I am glad I’m beyond doubting my ability to ever trust another man (yeah, I know that’s extreme, but if you knew what happened…), but I’ve got a little more healing to do.