control my anger

Ok I will start by saying I am a pussy, you will understand after you read this. I get mad. I lose control. Things have been good but the person I love makes me lose it. If she only would understand things would be better for a bit but I am sure I would fuck it up. So let’s get to Pakistan. First of all in no way am I saying anything bad about Pakistan or the people from there, I have met one a wonderful person from Pakistan. Yes Farheen I am talking about you!!!! Well I get mad, I don’t try to but it some how happens, I have tried to control it, I have gone to classes, I have paid for sessions, I have done the whole religious thing. Well things just have not worked. Trust me I am not the mad type that will go out and kill some one, I think the most I have done is kick a chair and really hurt my foot. The thing is I just don’t want to be mad ever. My dad is great. He really has never been there for me and we really don’t have much in common, but the one thing I have learned from him is that he never gets mad. How I don’t know. I know he cares and he loves but he just does not get mad. You can smash his fingers or break his tools; he just takes a breath and keeps going. I just don’t know how he does it. I respect him for that. Ok back to Pakistan, so when I do get mad and I really wish I didn’t, but I call the help lines. So let me explain, tonight I called sprint, I am really having a problem with my phone, I know if I take it to a sprint store they can fix it, but that’s not good enough. I am mad, not at sprint but at some one else, so I call the sprint 800 number to let them know how I feel. I basically channel my anger of the minuscule problem I might be having and pawn it off on them. I know that is a real pussy move but there is little collateral damage. I know when I call I am giving a poor girl in Pakistan a hard time, and I say Pakistan cuz usually after I am done yelling I ask where they are from and I thank them for there help. I know when I call that they can’t help me, but I like knowing I can call and that I can control of the conversation and that I can demand things and that they will try to meet them. I know that is terrible, but it helps me, it really does. I feel bad about it and I wish I could say I am sorry to all the Pakistani girls I have kept on the phone for hours bitching to them about why I didn’t get my magazines in time, or why my phone service sucks. The fact of the matter is I just like that I am talking to a person that is trying to please me. Usually when I am mad with some one or I am arguing with some one, I really dont get a solution. but with the help lines they are trying hard to give you a solution, and yes that feels good. Yeah I know you’re thinking that is really a pussy move, and your right it is. Sorry Pakistan, but thank you. Oh yeah Farheen congratulations on law school and good luck on your job search you’re a smart pretty girl.

Weekend was good, nothing bad per say happened. Just the usual chill weekend. Usally go out but didn’t go out or anything this time, saw SNL for the first time in a long time. Nothing really agitated me. A lot of good things seem to be happening and hopefully will continue to keep happening. I will stay positive and not loose my head. I see anger as weakness. When I allow my mind to think or imagine bad things that could or could not happen and then allow myself to believe that those thoughts are really happening is weakness to me. I have to keep a solid mindset and not go into that mind set. I am still going to find something to help me with this anger thing.

going to get help.