My parents are so psychologically abusive that they still contend that their actions were not traumatic or harmful… or flat-out didn’t happen. When I get upset or disagree, the contention is that I need to simply learn to “live and let live”. I feel like to forgive them now is to walk into more of their domination. They are dangerous; so guarded and so wrapped up in manipulation that they cannot, for more than a moment, expose even the possibility of a variation on their “truth”s.
It’s depressing, because I’ve tried so hard to speak to them, and open up, and explore how far back the abuse goes, and be patient, and give extra chances. But they only value themselves and their beliefs – anything that doesn’t mesh? They become angry, or, when they are in a “safe” environment, tell me “the truth”... things like how worthless I am. Nothing’s changed since I was a child. I’ve often said, “I would forgive them if they could just say aloud what it is that I am forgiving them for, and try to not do it again.”
For now I isolate myself and hope that before they die, they come to comprehend all the psychological scars they’ve thrust upon my siblings and myself. Perhaps when they are gone, I can come to terms with everything, and finally love and sympathize with them a little. But for now? I’m not strong enough to walk back into that lion’s den.
And still I feel like a terrible person for this; “why can’t you forgive?”.
